Join the ladies as they explore some old medical and torture devices and play fuck, marry, kill - holiday edition!
Join the ladies as they explore some old medical and torture devices and play fuck, marry, kill - holiday edition!
Write us some of your cringe stories at [nervouslaughterpodcast@gmail.com](mailto:nervouslaughterpodcast@gmail.com)
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Unknown Speaker 0:00
I decided that before going to Thanksgiving with George's family, I was gonna get some new jeans because all the jeans I have have holes in them. Which is why George chose I wonder why he chose jeans with holes for his costume of me because that's all everywhere. So I went on Friday, Black Friday, it was later in the day, and I was like, it won't be that bad. And the store I went to wasn't really that bad. And I was like, Well, I'm out. Maybe I'll go check out another store and just kind of see how it is, you know, it's like four or five like maybe people have gone home already. And so I walk into world market just kind of take a look around and was like, There's no fucking way. So I just walk right out. And then I get to my car and I get a text message from my friend Theresa said Did I just see you walk in and then probably work walk out overall market?
Unknown Speaker 1:26
I probably would have done the same thing, though. Not text you about it, but you know. Nope. Right out.
Unknown Speaker 1:32
I have done that a few times. Oh, man. Yeah, it was just too much.
Unknown Speaker 1:39
Welcome to nervous laughter podcast.
Unknown Speaker 1:41
Welcome, everybody.
Unknown Speaker 1:42
We're too much. Yeah, I'm Jamie. Alyssa. I'm sometimes when I'm in crowded spaces like that. I kind of like make it like a noise. I guess I started doing it more when I had my mask on because I just felt more silent. But I've realized the a few times people have heard me make my I'll just make that noise as I'm trying to get through people. A couple people have heard me and I hear them kind of giggle about it. I'm like good. They probably get it.
Unknown Speaker 2:19
Yeah, they get it. Oh,
Unknown Speaker 2:23
so for today. I have a little bit of dark cringe stuff to kick this off. Ooh,
Unknown Speaker 2:32
since it gets dark at like 3pm It's good to have some dark crowd God accompany it.
Unknown Speaker 2:38
I hope the seasonal depression is treating you all well. I'm trying my best this year. Me to actually
Unknown Speaker 2:46
feel kind of optimistic about Christmas and holiday stuff. I'm like, it'll be fine. We have little kittens will get to have all their you know, holiday firsts and make them stocking so I'm trying. I can't wait to see
Unknown Speaker 3:05
their stock. Does all of have a stocking? Oh, I haven't seen it. I'll look for it. And
Unknown Speaker 3:11
yeah, I didn't put anything out last year at all I was it got me hard last year.
Unknown Speaker 3:21
Yeah, I probably won't be putting anything up this year. I thought about it. And I was like, well, it'll be up for a little bit like it's almost December and then we're gonna visit family so I just don't feel like putting it away. I still have Halloween stuff.
Unknown Speaker 3:35
A couple of things out.
Unknown Speaker 3:38
Um, bats.
Unknown Speaker 3:41
Here we go with some of this cringe and I guess I'll say it's medical related. So if you have like,
Unknown Speaker 3:48
issues with that trigger warning.
Unknown Speaker 3:53
But I've been seeing this tech talk a lot. That's just like a show what your face looks like. Look like before and after you Googled why chainsaws were invented. Have you seen that at all? No.
Unknown Speaker 4:08
Okay, can we do like should I do before and after
Unknown Speaker 4:15
your face now? Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 4:18
I'll probably hate it not posted but here. I'll take one from here. So if it turns out I don't want my body in it. Oh no, I'll
Unknown Speaker 4:25
zoom in on your face. Well here you can do a selfie first and then I can like zoom in with this. So if you like it better, okay.
Unknown Speaker 4:37
These pitches take pictures. So I'm just gonna I can't wait for this.
Unknown Speaker 4:45
I'm just gonna read from this article, all all that's interesting.com They did an article on it. And I will say I popped around to a few different articles because I was like, maybe I'll peace something together myself, but they all pretty much said the same thing. So,
Unknown Speaker 5:03
yeah, I run into that a lot with I'm trying
Unknown Speaker 5:06
to be creative, but um, so around. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry, I
Unknown Speaker 5:12
was just gonna say started making shit up. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 5:14
I mean, you know, I was talking to Alyssa about something and I was like,
Unknown Speaker 5:19
I don't know it's like 500 to 5000 or like 1000 to 5000. And then I was like, you know, I don't think that's right.
Unknown Speaker 5:29
But here we go.
Unknown Speaker 5:33
Around 1780 Scottish doctors John eight Ken and James Jeffrey, Jeffrey came up with what they hoped would be a safer alternative to C sections,
Unknown Speaker 5:45
fucking course. Courses for women sorry.
Unknown Speaker 5:54
And I will say I saw some other things that this might have been able to be applied to some other things but it seems like it was basically use for this and maybe some other things like if it was needed. Anyway, instead of cutting into the abdomen, they would cut into the mother's pelvis in order to widen her birth canal to remove the baby vaginally. The procedure was known as symphysis CR tummy, which is no longer used today.
Unknown Speaker 6:23
I'm surprised it's not Yes. Everybody fucking hates women so much. And we're taking killers for any procedure like that.
Unknown Speaker 6:34
Yeah, oh, they didn't have it for this
Unknown Speaker 6:37
and just give them Coke or anything.
Unknown Speaker 6:41
For some reason, I'm thinking, okay, they
Unknown Speaker 6:45
had local anesthesia. In some cases, maybe I had grabbed a little snippet about this procedure from Wikipedia, just to describe a little more about it. symphysis er tummy is an outdated surgical procedure in which the cartilage of the pubic symphysis symphysis is divided to widen the pelvis, allowing childbirth when there is a medical mechanical problem. That's a weird way to phrase this woman's trouble. This results in a temporary increase in pelvic diameter of the two centimeters library. Temporary, because it's, I guess, I don't know for some reason, I was just thinking it was like dilating but clearly different from jamming your pelvis
Unknown Speaker 7:40
in Yeah, I'm just imagining a change.
Unknown Speaker 7:45
Let me show you a picture of it before I continue. So it's obviously not like a chainsaw that we know today. Okay, for Melissa judgment, it seems so much scarier. But it is like a serrated chain by saying
Unknown Speaker 7:59
fucking vagina.
Unknown Speaker 8:01
And its handcrank of course, because it wasn't electrical. So it was like
Unknown Speaker 8:13
so
Unknown Speaker 8:14
blah, blah blah by surgically dividing the ligaments of the symphysis under local anesthesia. But a sharp knife was often that fast and painless enough to perform the surgery say, oh sorry, this is hopping back to the article. This is out of that thing. But a sharp knife was often not as fast and painless enough to perform the surgery safely. So these doctors consequently envisioned a rotating blade that could cut through bone and cartilage and thus the first chainsaw was born. Initially small enough to fit in the doctor's hand the original chainsaw was more like a small serrated knife attached to a hand crank of course makes sense
Unknown Speaker 9:00
Oh,
Unknown Speaker 9:01
I got lost and now I'm freaking out. And in though it sped up the process of widening a laboring mother's birth canal it to proved too dangerous for most doctors to attempt. However the doctors were not the only doctors of their era to innovate with medical chainsaws. I did see and like another thing that said they could also be used for guest whining any other holes that need to be but I guess I just wanted to go faster.
Unknown Speaker 9:31
Like when you have to widen a butthole like Tina's granddaughter that's the birth year you
Unknown Speaker 9:39
will have to do like a whole episode just like about giving birth because all of the stuff that nobody tells you that so much stuff and
Unknown Speaker 9:48
like I don't want kids but I am slightly sad that I won't ever give birth just because it's so fucking crazy. Yeah, and every time is different. But that's Yeah That's not enough reason to make a person so I just don't want
Unknown Speaker 10:03
my like, your fucking tank to like split, like
Unknown Speaker 10:09
my sister's friend. Like she had her first baby and she The friend was like, Yeah, I ripped and it was like a I don't remember what the max stages but say it's like stage three. And my sister was like how many stages are there and she's like three
Unknown Speaker 10:29
she lights up a cigarette takes a shot so this also got me on to what are some other old medical tools that are kind of scary. There was of course, there was stuff like the like amputation knife and saw from back in the day that just look
Unknown Speaker 10:56
pretty crazy. Yeah, the curved one is.
Unknown Speaker 11:07
So the imputation knife is like curved, which I guess made it easier to cut through like skin and muscle before you get to the the bone to use the bone saw. And there was also arrow remover in the 1500s. And it just kind of looks like a scissors with a third leg, if that makes sense. So yeah, so like the stick the partner. So it's like a pole kind of in the center, and then to kind of blades like a pair of scissors. So they would stick the whole end. And that would follow like the trajectory of the bullet. And then they could grab scissor things.
Unknown Speaker 11:55
I guess that makes sense. But yeah,
Unknown Speaker 12:00
but it looks Yeah, terrifying. And there's an artificial leech and the 1800s which we're familiar with leeches on this podcast,
Unknown Speaker 12:11
unfortunately. Yes.
Unknown Speaker 12:13
So it looks no no, it almost looks like something you would use in the kitchen. I don't know quite how to describe it. Other than that, it's like a pepper grinder with like, five terrifying points or blades at the end. I guess it
Unknown Speaker 12:31
makes me think of those like Slap Chop thing.
Unknown Speaker 12:37
Um, so yeah, so
Unknown Speaker 12:40
this was an upgrade from the lunches. Oh, and the rotating blades would cut a wound in the patient's skin. While the cylinder would be would would be used to produce a vacuum that sucked up the blood. So we should just do a history on bloodletting one day. Yes. A cervical dilator which looks like a compass that you use on a map like the old like, or to like draw a circle.
Unknown Speaker 13:10
That looks like it could still be used today. They have some scary looking shit.
Unknown Speaker 13:15
Well, it was a
Unknown Speaker 13:19
it fell out of favor because they often cause the cervix to tear. That's sorry, that's just like hard to say.
Unknown Speaker 13:29
Um, let's see.
Unknown Speaker 13:34
Oh, here's another one for the for the woman of the day. In the 1870s It's called a paralysis so wrong. E cross here. It basically just looks like like a tea kind of like handlebars on top almost. And then there's another fun IUD. Oh, it was looking it up. It's not but yes, that's a great way to describe it looks exactly like an IUD. Probably bigger and it's made of steel. And there's like a second little tool that comes with it that looks like one of those files for your feet because it but it was used to sever hemorrhoids in urine
Unknown Speaker 14:18
or over
Unknown Speaker 14:21
ovarian tumors. The con sorry to say out loud like I read this all night fine, but it's hard saying out loud. The chain was looped over the mass and tightened using the ratchet, stopping the circulation of the blood to the area. And I guess I must order some similar vein there was a hemorrhoid forceps so that basically just looks like scissors with like loops on the end. But it was a b i used to grasp the hemorrhoid, stop the blood and then it would drop off
Unknown Speaker 14:57
And let's see oh, yeah,
Unknown Speaker 15:09
this one was really cool. Um, I mean, like in a interesting way that tobacco smoke enema
Unknown Speaker 15:20
something people do today. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 15:22
I mean, I could see getting picked back up and mommy Facebook group. Yes.
Unknown Speaker 15:27
Next episode. That's what we're doing.
Unknown Speaker 15:31
So this was the 1750s to 1810s the tobacco enema was used to introduce tobacco smoke into a patient's rectum for various medical purposes, primarily the resurrection of drowning victims, which is interesting, because I brought that thing up before with a pig, a Eunice's. And they were able to like do the pigs but so I guess like you can do that with a human too.
Unknown Speaker 15:53
Interesting. Okay. Around about that
Unknown Speaker 15:56
rectal tube. Sorry, I feel like I just like, you know, no. A rectal tube inserted into the anus was connected to a fumigator like a little like
Unknown Speaker 16:08
I'm saying just that I thought it was gonna be a doctor just like smoking.
Unknown Speaker 16:15
I'm so connected to a fumigator that and bellows that force the smoke towards the rectum. The warmth of the smoke was thought to promote respiration, but doubts about the credibility of tobacco enemas led to the popular phrase, blow smoke up one's app. Interesting. Yeah, kind of a weird word. And there's also just this other terrifying vaginal tool in the 1600s it I don't know how to describe it, but it almost kind of looks like the shape of a vagina. Like, uterus, not vagina, you stupid woman. Oh, uh huh. And then if they claimed it together, they could shove it in there and then crank it open? No, they fucking
Unknown Speaker 17:07
can't. Yeah. So
Unknown Speaker 17:12
this is the vaginal speculum. 1600s has been used for 1000s of years to allow doctors better vision and access to the vaginal area, or other body cavities. But if you look at the specimen for fucking vagina by expanding after insertion, the 17th century European example, which appears to use a cranking motion to expand a little more ornate and intimidating than most.
Unknown Speaker 17:43
I mean, did they just kind of like update it for us today?
Unknown Speaker 17:47
Oh, I don't think
Unknown Speaker 17:51
there's still shit like that. Right? Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 17:54
I guess I'm trying to think, because there's that thing that they put in and widen up. And then scrape. If your guidance is the first time you're hearing this, I'm sorry, into
Unknown Speaker 18:06
it and feel bad for us.
Unknown Speaker 18:08
It's a it's a tool that's, I would say probably much smaller than the ones we talked about today, thankfully. But it's almost like a whisk, I guess, is how I imagine it. I haven't actually seen it. This was just what I feel what I feel inside of me. It feels kind of like a whisk. And then they shove it in and then they like, twirl it open or whatever. And then do a little scrape around.
Unknown Speaker 18:36
There. Okay, so imagine we're gonna take you there. You're, you're you're dealing with it, you're naked. You have a little sheet. You're sitting there and the doctors like, how's the weather, and that's fucking going on. You're gonna feel a little pressure. And then there's a fucking egg beater. And then you're supposed to make small talk and you're like, What just happened to me?
Unknown Speaker 18:57
Yeah. Yeah, it's awful. And it. I usually feel a little uncomfortable after I leave, like, physically and emotionally. Yeah. It's not very comfortable.
Unknown Speaker 19:11
To go to my lady Clarissa tears if you're in Austin. She's the shit. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 19:16
I need to Yeah, I need to go to her soon.
Unknown Speaker 19:17
I know. I just said it was awful. But that's just because of what it is. She makes it better. Yeah, she's very nice. A lot when you have like
Unknown Speaker 19:23
a judgy doctor and stuff. That's pretty big douche.
Unknown Speaker 19:26
And
Unknown Speaker 19:30
so looking at these old medical instruments reminded me
Unknown Speaker 19:36
Oh, shit. There's some like, oh, like old school
Unknown Speaker 19:41
torture devices, but like I used to love. That sounds weird. But you know what I mean? Oh, yeah.
Unknown Speaker 19:48
You're like 10 And you're like,
Unknown Speaker 19:52
Well, I have this thumb. Remember, I had this book about like, I don't know if it's just Greek mythology or like Greek stuff and mythology, but I remember some pictures in there of like, like a hammer or what they call it, but when the horses go like different directions exactly,
Unknown Speaker 20:08
yeah, and in my mind and he said that,
Unknown Speaker 20:11
um, but one of the ones that I thought was the most interesting we use that terminology instead is the Brazen Bull. Are you familiar with that one? Hey, don't think I am so excited to introduce you to gets wider. No, it's a it's a
Unknown Speaker 20:36
guy pushing. Pushing
Unknown Speaker 20:43
and a little like car and it was making a weird sounds. It
Unknown Speaker 20:47
sounds like a real car.
Unknown Speaker 20:50
Um, but uh oh, read
Unknown Speaker 20:54
the description instead of just trying to describe it myself. So the Brazen Bull also known as the bronze bull, Sicilian bowl, or bowl of phalaris was a torture and execution device designed designed by Ancient Greece according to whoever the fuck this guy is. recounting a story in bibliotech He lives a Bibliotheca history.
Unknown Speaker 21:22
So they
Unknown Speaker 21:23
created this as a new means of executing criminals. The bull was said to be hollow and made entirely out of bronze so it's just like a bronze statue of a bowl and it's hollow inside right? And with a door on one side of it. According to legends the brazen bowl was designed in the form and size of an actual bowl and had an acoustic apparatus that converted screens until the sound of a bowl and can the condemned were locked inside the device and a fire was set under it. Yeah, heating the metal until the person inside was roasted to death.
Unknown Speaker 22:02
Oh, that smell I must have smelled so awful.
Unknown Speaker 22:05
Oh, yes. But also they would burn other things with it I think to try to disguise
Unknown Speaker 22:16
that is really fucked. Yeah, here
Unknown Speaker 22:18
we go. Flores is said to have commanded that the bull be designed in such a way that it's smoke rose and spicy clouds of incense. Maybe that the use of the word incense made me think that they added things to make it smell good, but maybe they didn't. According to legend, when the bowl was reopened after a body was charred, the victim scorch bones then shown like jewels and remade into bracelets. Stories allege after finishing construction on the execution device per Wallace and said to florist, I'm sorry, these two dudes. His screams will come to you through the pipes as the tender is most pathetic, most modest of belly wings. He believed florists believed he would receive a reward for this invention. Instead, the guy that made it was tricked into getting into it. They were like, Hey, you should test it out. And then they locked him in there and set it on fire. And they could just hear him screaming. And then I guess they didn't like fully kill him. So they got him out. took them to the top of the hill and throw them off.
Unknown Speaker 23:44
Damn, that's not what I was expecting from the story. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 23:49
I'm so sorry. If I didn't get like the people straight on this. Maybe we'll do a history episode. But I was more focused on
Unknown Speaker 23:56
the act of the torture device.
Unknown Speaker 24:01
And then, sorry, I'm like, have so much I only have two more. So this one is debated if it was actually like, real or not. I think it actually existed, but maybe it wasn't actually used
Unknown Speaker 24:14
for what it says it's
Unknown Speaker 24:17
used for. But it's the pair of anguish Have you heard of that? Also known as the choke pair? So kind of how we were talking about the thing they stick in our vaginas at the doctor. I guess imagine that instead of it's like a whisk shape. It's like a pear shape. And then they shove that in someone's mouth. And then they crank it open until it would like split their jaw or whatever. It was also using the anus. Sometimes what Yeah. I'd be pissed if I got someone's anus pair in my mouth.
Unknown Speaker 25:00
That's um but yeah it's a it's it's still up for debate if it was like actually real or more the origins came from and stuff like that but
Unknown Speaker 25:10
um and there's also speaking of hating women, the breast stripper
Unknown Speaker 25:20
to which I say breast stripper hardly know or um, so this looks like a pair of tongs with like,
Unknown Speaker 25:31
Fuck two blades on the end
Unknown Speaker 25:37
okay man except like for the men that listen to this
Unknown Speaker 25:40
yeah we like we like you we love you. Um yeah so this was known in another form as iron spider or simply this spider was a torture instrument mainly used on women who were accused of adultery or self performed abortion.
Unknown Speaker 25:56
Oh yeah, this will probably make a comeback.
Unknown Speaker 26:04
The instrument was designed to rip the breast from a woman and was made from iron, which was usually heated. The breast Ripper was often often heated, it contained four claws, which were used to slowly rip the breast from women for various crimes, the instrument would be imposed onto a single breasts of the woman. They were designed to shred or tear off the breast of the victim. And so the iron spider, which is pretty much the same, would have been attached to the wall, and the woman's breasts were fixed onto the claws of the tool. The woman was then pulled away from a wall tearing off her breasts. Another variant of this included spiked bars affixed slightly away from the wall, the woman would have been pulled along the bars until her breasts were ripped off. And if they didn't die, then you know, it was kind of like a scarlet letter. Like it was just everyone knows that like you wow, I have in the way of
Unknown Speaker 27:21
let me go ahead and take my after picture.
Unknown Speaker 27:25
Oh, I guess we should have done that after the chainsaw. But you know, these are all basically the same. More fucking pictures. Okay. I get to see them side by side. Like, people I know that this is very old stuff. And they would maybe not make it today. And they did.
Unknown Speaker 27:48
Whatever they could do with they had to make do back in the day, whatever. I'm
Unknown Speaker 27:52
trying to form words. Like, I get that it was actually a different time because the 1700s But I'm still fucking terrifying and cringy and
Unknown Speaker 28:04
how do people come up with a shit? I mean, the breast Ripper? Like, that was the worst one. Yeah. Well, I don't know the chainsaws. Pretty.
Unknown Speaker 28:14
Yeah, but But that wasn't meant to kill you. To help you
Unknown Speaker 28:18
to bring you a bundle of joy. Thank you for that. Yeah, terrifying. But that's a topic I haven't visited in a while. I also used to enjoy reading things like that. So
Unknown Speaker 28:32
cool. Good throwback. Yeah, I'd like
Unknown Speaker 28:34
to do more of the old school torture stuff in a few future episode, but I need more time.
Unknown Speaker 28:41
There's one coming to mind that I need to look into because I don't know the name but I learned about it recently. And it was very bad.
Unknown Speaker 28:47
Could you give us a description of Sure. I'm intrigued.
Unknown Speaker 28:51
It was basically like picture a tapered thing oh like a Christmas tree since right into the holidays. And you got set on it either I guess and the B hole or the V hole depending what you have there. And then you just like get pushed down on to it.
Unknown Speaker 29:12
Ah
Unknown Speaker 29:15
I can't make my my hands are like stuck out position. Ah.
Unknown Speaker 29:21
Ah, man they did their very creative back.
Unknown Speaker 29:26
nasty shit. Well, I can breathe. I can do the opposite. So there's a podcast that I really liked. It's called I saw what you did and it's a movie podcast. And they had some guests on and they did like a Halloween themed Fuck, Marry, Kill and I was like, oh, let's do a Christmas one. Oh,
Unknown Speaker 29:59
Hey, okay, so I'm being nice and Santa.
Unknown Speaker 30:03
Yeah. So I have a couple like different categories some a little more abstract than others. Okay. Okay, so you recently did an aerial performance based on the movie Gremlins yes so we have Mary kill gizmo you know you're here every day Gremlin we have stripe. Who is the bad guy? He's
Unknown Speaker 30:30
a crazy one.
Unknown Speaker 30:31
Yeah he's the one with like the big white stripe back crazy. And then we have Greta Gremlin who I want to get a tattoo Greta grew up on really bad
Unknown Speaker 30:42
baby Gremlin that's who we kind of tried to base our costume on Hell yeah.
Unknown Speaker 30:46
Okay so fuck marry kill What do you think in
Unknown Speaker 30:49
um so
Unknown Speaker 30:54
I almost want to lean towards Mary gizmo because he's like you know kind of like the sweet little guy I guess I would fuck Greta understandable Yeah. And then kill us split stripe split you know I found torn between the fuck on stripe and Greta. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 31:20
um,
Unknown Speaker 31:22
I would kill stripe. And then I think that I mean, I really don't want to fuck gizmo. But I think I would have to so that I could marry Greta to she seems really cool. Really cute little gremlin so
Unknown Speaker 31:37
yeah, she'd be fun to spend the rest of your life with
Unknown Speaker 31:41
think about the future. Now we have some more Christmas themed people
Unknown Speaker 31:53
was Christmassy enough, right? Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 31:55
Like Christmas this is a little heavier Christmas we have Mr. Hankey the Christmas. Which is what reminded you said something earlier that was like, holy you're okay. So you have Mr. Hankey, we have the Grinch. And then we have Frosty the Snowman.
Unknown Speaker 32:19
Ooh, okay. Well, I would kill Mr. Hankey, because I don't want to I don't want to marry or fuck a turd. I don't care how good is personality is. Um, what were the other two the frosty and the Grinch?
Unknown Speaker 32:40
Oh, that's hard. I
Unknown Speaker 32:43
know. So it's kind of a tough one.
Unknown Speaker 32:45
So I almost
Unknown Speaker 32:47
lean towards marrying the Grinch just because like I'm a woman and I want to fix people but I feel like he would be better in bed and frosty. But you might also
Unknown Speaker 33:03
rusty would melt. Yeah, make you wet.
Unknown Speaker 33:09
So yeah, I don't know. I guess I would. Oh, that's hard. What would you do?
Unknown Speaker 33:15
I mean, I really don't want shit all over. Yeah, so
Unknown Speaker 33:18
I'm killing Oh,
Unknown Speaker 33:21
I'm kinda like, Should I marry Mr. Hankey? Just because he's fun and then we just have like a house that's like black everything so you can't see the ship.
Unknown Speaker 33:32
Accommodate to his needs?
Unknown Speaker 33:34
Yeah, so I'm almost kind of thinking Mary Mr. Hankey fuck the Grinch and then killed frosty because just a snowman and sometimes snowmen get made with like the dirty snow and though I guess I'm saying that I would fuck a literal piece of shit if I'm married to him, but what is
Unknown Speaker 33:55
well, if I may, if I marry frosty, then he's only around like a small part of the course. So that's kind of just enough time. Yeah, so I guess I would fuck the Grinch and marry frosty.
Unknown Speaker 34:08
Okay, don't kill hanky. Yeah, but I still feel porn about. You could put about the Mr. Hankey, like inside of a condom or something. said that he wouldn't have shit on
Unknown Speaker 34:22
so you'd actually be that tiny. Oh, yeah. Pop them in your person. We're
Unknown Speaker 34:29
going to dinner. Yep. How I imagined it.
Unknown Speaker 34:33
I feel like that would be a really shitty marriage though. But I'm sure so many so many puns like can be made. Join us join along at home. Yeah, like I'm sure you
Unknown Speaker 34:42
know what you would do with these
Unknown Speaker 34:45
just yelling at us. You could have made so buddy better fit puns. Probably right it's them. Tell us your shipments.
Unknown Speaker 34:54
This one's kind of just like a random mishmash. We have Buddy the Elf From the movie L. Okay. Okay. We have Dwight Schrute dressed up as Belshaw nickel, the Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas character. And then we have Tim Allen as the Santa Claus.
Unknown Speaker 35:16
Oh, okay. Okay. At first up. For some reason my brain went straight to Jingle all the way with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Unknown Speaker 35:23
Oh shit. I missed an opportunity.
Unknown Speaker 35:26
Um, oh, okay, so Buddy the Elf Santa Claus. What's his
Unknown Speaker 35:35
face is Santa Claus. Tim Allen. From tel improvement? Yeah. Stupid thing you did on that show?
Unknown Speaker 35:43
Um, okay, yeah. And then there's, um,
Unknown Speaker 35:47
there's and Dwight. He has to be as Belshe
Unknown Speaker 35:51
Niccolo Okay. Um, I
Unknown Speaker 35:54
think I would marry the elf and fuck the waiters. Belshe nipple.
Unknown Speaker 36:00
I think I'm with you on that. Yeah. And I've always been like mildly attracted to Dwight for really? I don't know why, so I guess I'm gonna get it. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 36:09
it's funny. I I totally forgot that he was on House of 1000 corpses. Oh, yeah. Like I rewatched it and I'm just like, What the fuck I am. I'm very dumb. Um, but yeah, I feel like Buddy the Elf like, I feel like he wouldn't be good at sex. But he'd be good at like, yeah, making fun. Yeah, making you know, and he could decorate for the holidays and I wouldn't have you know? Yeah, that's that's a good luck me some syrup. Spaghetti. Maple syrup.
Unknown Speaker 36:37
Marshmallows. Let's see. Well move a little bit into the food area. We have green beans
Unknown Speaker 36:54
I thought it was gonna be like a ginger
Unknown Speaker 37:02
green beans mashed potatoes. Ham.
Unknown Speaker 37:06
Oh, oh. Okay.
Unknown Speaker 37:09
Sorry. I feel like I have to put my mind in a very different space for green beans mashed potatoes him
Unknown Speaker 37:15
um I think I might kill green beans think I'd probably do it in the order that you have killed green beans. Marry mashed potatoes. And fuck the ham.
Unknown Speaker 37:34
This actually sounds hard.
Unknown Speaker 37:37
That's exactly what I was saying. Yes. Because like the ham depending on what kind of ham it is. It could have like a bone attached to it so you can fuck that bone.
Unknown Speaker 37:47
Ham bony
Unknown Speaker 37:51
mashed potatoes are just delicious. And I could
Unknown Speaker 37:54
see myself just like rolling around in the bed of mashed potatoes. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, I'm glad we agree on that one. And I just can't imagine like spending the rest of my life with green beans or putting them in any hole on my body. Yeah, I mean, what if one guy last? Get a weird infection. Oh, oh, that's another thing I want to do for an episode is weird things people have put inside them. Oh, yeah, we have. Yeah, maybe not Albert Fish wise. But yeah,
Unknown Speaker 38:24
we'll leave him out there.
Unknown Speaker 38:27
He's a whole episode on himself.
Unknown Speaker 38:30
So we have some 80s movies for the next one who I hope I saw them all. We have. Well, one of them is just Kermit dressed as Santa. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 38:42
Deniz up in green.
Unknown Speaker 38:45
We have chevy chase in National Lampoon's Christmas. And then we have Catherine O'Hara playing Kevin's mom and home alone. And I can pull up a picture if you need
Unknown Speaker 39:00
Oh, sorry. And what's the next one?
Unknown Speaker 39:01
Oh, no, it was Chevy Chase. Catherine O'Hara and Kermit
Unknown Speaker 39:06
dressed as Santa.
Unknown Speaker 39:09
So I think I would either marry or fuck Catherine. Catherine Tate is that what it is? O'Hara? O'Hara sorry maybe killed Chevy Chase just because in that movie, he's very annoying description. Yeah, very very annoying. And then okay, so I guess I'm between fucking and marrying Kermit and Catherine. Mary Catherine. Fuck, Kermit. Oh
Unknown Speaker 39:40
I see. I think I'm gonna do I think I'm gonna kill Kermit kind of controversial, but you his voice is just I don't know if I want to hear that forever.
Unknown Speaker 39:54
Oh man. And I said I would fuck him. Right. So it'd be like,
Unknown Speaker 39:57
Oh, I can't do Kermit
Unknown Speaker 40:02
I can't I can't do it either, but you guys can imagine what it's like at home. me waving all over would fucka him because it all comes back together. That would be my, my guess. Oh yeah.
Unknown Speaker 40:32
Baby in a car rolling by by herself
Unknown Speaker 40:37
adult laughter Dad Oh wait, they're falling behind maybe we should look. Okay, there's a
Unknown Speaker 40:50
man being a parent must be hard.
Unknown Speaker 40:52
Yeah. Okay, I think I'm gonna kill Kermit I'm gonna hurry me. Sorry
Unknown Speaker 40:59
Sorry Kermie I'm gonna marry Catherine my hair. And I think I'm gonna fuck Chevy Chase. Okay. I I kind of think he's Delphi for a weird reason. And I don't know what it is. But only him with glasses and without glasses not interested. But I'm gonna fuck him with glasses.
Unknown Speaker 41:18
I'm just like, interesting analysis
Unknown Speaker 41:28
Yeah, I turned the Christmas movie on the other day, just just like background and I was like, You know what? I think I would think I'd do it.
Unknown Speaker 41:37
Nice. I guess I could kind of see the like, the like, Delphi thing and maybe maybe I could fuck him instead of Kermit. But
Unknown Speaker 41:47
I mean, I'm not trying to change.
Unknown Speaker 41:49
We would both Mary Katherine so yes, she's a cool lady.
Unknown Speaker 41:53
She's a little bit high strung and home alone, but I would just be like, Hey, this is weed. She's a mother.
Unknown Speaker 42:01
That's true.
Unknown Speaker 42:02
But she also is very forgetful. Yeah. So who am I?
Unknown Speaker 42:10
Okay. Oh, yeah, I always hear cat in my head. Yeah, I guess the for marry her. We hear that all the time. Yeah, maybe I'll switch my answer. We can we can move on.
Unknown Speaker 42:26
Women just shot your yap. We're trying to say
Unknown Speaker 42:29
don't make me pull up the chainsaw.
Unknown Speaker 42:35
Have you seen Die Hard? Yes. Okay.
Unknown Speaker 42:40
Luck and marry
Unknown Speaker 42:43
this. I don't know why I picked this one because it's difficult or it's not difficult. We have Bruce Willis which I can't think of his name in the movie now.
Unknown Speaker 42:54
Oh, fuck, I can't remember either. Someone's probably yelling it at us. So I feel like we have to look it
Unknown Speaker 42:58
up. Yeah. I'm, I got it.
Unknown Speaker 43:03
Don't yell on us. It's okay. John McLean. John McClane, York City police man John McLean.
Unknown Speaker 43:08
Oh my god. Yes. Fuck and Mary
Unknown Speaker 43:13
sorry, it's it's gonna be just like different versions of Bruce Willis. No.
Unknown Speaker 43:19
Mr. Missed opportunity. So I have John McClane. We have Sergeant al Powell, which is the guy that played Carl Winslow on Family Guy. She means family matters for dad. And then we have Alan Rickman who plays Hans Gruber like a villain. In which movie in diehard Oh yeah.
Unknown Speaker 43:49
Oh my god, I'm dumb. I need to rewatch that movie.
Unknown Speaker 43:53
Let's see. This one is really hard.
Unknown Speaker 43:59
So I almost lean towards wanting to marry John McClane because I feel like he would do anything for his family. Yes. He's a protector, which
Unknown Speaker 44:07
is what women crave.
Unknown Speaker 44:12
Protect me. Um, but I also kind of want to marry Winslow.
Unknown Speaker 44:18
I know I do to love him honest or
Unknown Speaker 44:21
I forgot that he plays in diehard to Yeah, so these are all diehard characters. Because I was like, Wait, he wasn't diehard. That's Wait, that's what we're talking about.
Unknown Speaker 44:29
Obviously, I feel like we're both gonna kill Hans Gruber. I mean, yeah, that's Yeah, but the other two is it's a really difficult choice if we'll have
Unknown Speaker 44:38
to do a whole other like maybe Harry Potter characters with us because he's Professor Snape. What's a little different for me?
Unknown Speaker 44:46
Oh, he's in Harry Potter. Yeah. Professor Snape.
Unknown Speaker 44:50
I saw those movies like right after they came out, but I have absolutely no recollection of that.
Unknown Speaker 44:57
Yeah, he's uh, let me see if I can kind of Like mimica voice that he kind of doesn't there, Mr. Potter now Yeah, so um, yeah, I guess I would kill him you know, I guess I would fuck John McLean and Mary I'm just gonna keep calling them like for Slayer Winslow or something. Just simply watch the family matters all the time. But yeah, I just he would be a great husband. Yeah, I agree. I would also do anything for his family like I know so too.
Unknown Speaker 45:29
Yeah. Because in diehard Weren't they like you need to get out of there Powell or something and he was like, No, I'm like working overtime and partnering and working it
Unknown Speaker 45:38
Yes. Yeah. He was like coordinating with John McLean in the building and like the rest of the police force was like, Whoa,
Unknown Speaker 45:44
we're standing outside. Yeah, we're not doing well. So shoot through the windows. Um, but yeah, he's,
Unknown Speaker 45:53
I think he mainly plays a lot of like law enforcement characters. Yeah. But yeah, so I would marry him and obviously fuck Trump McLean obviously, obviously, Mr. Papa I feel bad we just like barely even talked about
Unknown Speaker 46:14
done. Yeah. That was that was kind of easy. Um, I have a couple more for us. Really basic one Santos has caused Rudolph um
Unknown Speaker 46:30
so since there's also people in this one that kind of want to kill Rudolph
Unknown Speaker 46:35
Well, yeah, that's a little bit of BC ality but we'll ignore that. Yeah. I can't really
Unknown Speaker 46:47
ride Rudolph. Oh, hey,
Unknown Speaker 46:51
I'm in sorry. Real quick. Did you ever watch The claymation that's my favorite was my favorite. Like crazy their eyes go? Yeah. Like she's playing some key. My favorite Christmas?
Unknown Speaker 47:06
Um, okay. Um, I kind of leaned towards killing Santa. You can see that I mean, I have I
Unknown Speaker 47:16
don't feel like I'm particularly reason why but I feel like I would rather marry or fuck between Rudolph and Paul. Miss Claus. Kill Santa. Take his wife.
Unknown Speaker 47:28
Mrs. Stelia girl.
Unknown Speaker 47:31
And I guess both book Rudall
Unknown Speaker 47:38
How about these reindeer games? We ain't playing No.
Unknown Speaker 47:44
I think I'm gonna fuck Miss Claus. And kill Santa in Mary Rudolph. I think Rudolph is really nice guy Santa. I feel like he kind of like he's like a Jeff Bezos kind of like, exploits people for their labor and gets all the credit. You know, the reindeer elves
Unknown Speaker 48:03
only give you some of his toy wealth if you behave certain ways. Yes.
Unknown Speaker 48:09
So yeah, Sam is out here. Yeah, my bitch. So I guess technically I'll be fucking a reindeer as well.
Unknown Speaker 48:17
But what if I marry marry? Yeah, guess what comes along with marriage? Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 48:23
So yeah, we're both the
Unknown Speaker 48:25
grinder grinder fuckers Oh, and real quick. Maybe this is like a fun little aside this from CNN.
Unknown Speaker 48:35
Reindeer.
Unknown Speaker 48:37
Did you guys ever make like reindeer food when you were a little?
Unknown Speaker 48:40
I don't think that was really a thing. That was like around.
Unknown Speaker 48:43
Oh, okay. We we made reindeer food. It was just Cheerios and sprinkles.
Unknown Speaker 48:48
Oh, really? Yeah, we would put it put it out,
Unknown Speaker 48:53
like in our sidewalk out front. So the rain like they would know where to go. You know? It's funny because I lived in Hawaii. So my parents were we didn't there's no fireplaces there. Oh, so I was like, how's my house seem like gonna get in and they're like, oh, he has a magic key that unlocks all the doors and this is kind of like, scary. It's kind of scary, like, entering through chimneys, but for some reason. That seems like really serious. Was there another fucking Marine?
Unknown Speaker 49:23
I have one more. Ooh, we have some decorations now. A lot of the Christmas characters are kids and I'm like thank you. Yes. I had to think a little outside the box like the shitty dads. Well, not all shitty. Not John McClane and Carl Winslow. Yeah. So we have elf on the shelf and this elf is an adult we're assuming he's an adult elf. Disclaimer. We have the angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Unknown Speaker 50:00
Huh, Angel are just an angel.
Unknown Speaker 50:03
An angel, and then we have the Nutcracker.
Unknown Speaker 50:07
Whoo hoo hoo. I feel like
Unknown Speaker 50:15
I lean towards killing the Elf on the Shelf just kind of creeps me out a little bit with this stupid little face
Unknown Speaker 50:25
um, I guess I would marry because I'd marry the angel and fuck the Nutcracker. Oh,
Unknown Speaker 50:35
I'd crack his nuts.
Unknown Speaker 50:36
Yeah What would I do?
Unknown Speaker 50:41
Definitely kill the elf because the thing with Elf on the Shelf is like it moves every day and it's doing something different and that's just too much going on. Definitely kill him. Think I'll probably Fuck The Nutcracker. It sounds a little dangerous and for that reason I'm going to marry the cracker. No, marry the angel. Okay, so we're,
Unknown Speaker 51:05
we're the same. Okay, I thought you said that you would marry the Nutcracker. I was just oh no Nutcracker. Oh, did I say marry? I meant to say fuck the Nutcracker because then I'd crack his nuts joke.
Unknown Speaker 51:18
Anyway, at fuck that bitch.
Unknown Speaker 51:20
Okay, we're on the same page. And I felt like when I was giving my answer, it was like a shark tank answer like, and for that reason. I'm out yeah, thanks for doing some fun. Mary kills with me. Those are always fun. Yeah, that
Unknown Speaker 51:39
was a lot of fun. It was nice for the season. So you would fuck Marian kill your analysis?
Unknown Speaker 51:47
I'll try to come up with a couple more leading up to the holiday. Oh, cool.
Unknown Speaker 51:50
Cool. Yeah, I'll see if I can maybe come up with some to feel like I'm just like trying to think of stuff. I'm just like, Jack Frost
Unknown Speaker 51:58
really bad. Did you ever watch that? Um, that Jack Frost movie with the snowman?
Unknown Speaker 52:08
Oh, yeah. Um, Mr. White, Chris.
Unknown Speaker 52:11
No, that's the claymation live action.
Unknown Speaker 52:15
I don't think I did. Maybe
Unknown Speaker 52:19
just thinking of Arnold Schwarzenegger. And Batman and Robin when he's dressed up as Mr. Freeze and then he's watching that cartoon. Which curfew? The I'm Mr. Christmas.
Unknown Speaker 52:33
Let me see. This had Michael Keaton as Jack Frost. Ah, yeah, you
Unknown Speaker 52:43
remember that movie? That Yes. In creepy ass movie. That's probably worth rewatch just for how weird it is. Yeah, maybe um, maybe I'll watch that one soon and report back. But yeah, the snowman animation in that fucking creepy and weird. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 53:03
I guess I blocked it out because I didn't remember. You showed me that.
Unknown Speaker 53:08
Um, well, I guess that's all we got for jingle bells out of here. This week. Single single jingle. Right. Bye y'all. Bye now. Okay, so again, one dy