Continue your summer themed listening with more concerts, a helpful outdoorsy product, and a cool activity! Alyssa is the Elle Woods of mortuary school 💅🖤
Continue your summer themed listening with more concerts, a helpful outdoorsy product, and a cool activity! Alyssa is the Elle Woods of mortuary school 💅🖤Â
Videos clipped in episode:
Speaker 1 00:00
Jamie, there has been something terrible at Lollapalooza that goes along with the concert shitting. I guess someone decided to fucking pee in the crowd and then didn't want to hold on to the pee, so they put it in a box and passed it out of the crowd.
Speaker 2 00:21
Oh my God!
Speaker 1 00:22
And there's video of
Speaker 2 00:24
it. Oh my God! Okay, yeah, let me watch. Oh God, that's disgusting. Dude, that is fucking disgusting. Like,
Speaker 1 01:00
how did none of those people freak out? Like, if I was in that crowd, I would have fucking yelled at that person and like, no, you fucking pissed in a bag. You're gonna fucking hold that bag. Yeah,
Speaker 3 01:12
I mean, I would
Speaker 1 01:13
shove your nose in it.
Speaker 2 01:14
Yeah, dump it on their fucking head. Like, I like I would freak out and not want to touch it. But then it's like if you don't keep passing it, it's gonna fucking fall on you. And like, ew, I don't know. That's just so disgusting and biohazardous. And and welcome to the biohazard of our podcast, Nervous Laughter Podcast. I'm Jamie.
Speaker 1 01:35
I'm Alyssa, and I'm here to say, people are fucking evil, and we have to stand up against them. I'd be like, "No, show me who fucking started this piss box. I'm gonna go beat the shit out of them. No,
Speaker 2 01:49
you fucking drag them by their hair through the crowd and shame them.
Speaker 1 01:54
No, no, no, no.
Speaker 2 01:57
And speaking of Lollapalooza bathroom thing, oh no, there's another one. Yeah, they're not safe from the shitting either, Alyssa.
Speaker 1 02:06
I'm I'm afraid to go to Weird Al next month. They're just gonna be fucking peepee poopa poopa pee poo poo pa. There's gonna be all kinds of stuff.
Speaker 2 02:16
Oh god, yeah.
Speaker 1 02:17
Scared.
Speaker 2 02:19
Stay safe. Yeah, and I was thinking like, oh Lord, and Charlie XCX are going to oh yeah to ACL, but now I'm just like, maybe I should just not go so like the perimeter. Yeah, I was like, because I'll get there early because they'll probably like collab on stage together, but now I'll be up there with all the fucking like diaper people Olivia Rodrigo talked about, but yeah, I just sent you a video.
Speaker 1 02:45
Thank you,
Speaker 4 02:47
guys. My voice is gone, but there was this girl at Lollapalooza at John Summit who pooped in a bag. A girl literally pooped in a bag at John Summit. Mind you, she was not even in the front; she was in the middle of the crowd. So her friends literally like helped gather around her. Chest so she can poop in a bag. Girl, there's bathrooms. There's bedrooms right there. You can easily go and come back. Who, no? Who risks their lives for John Summit? Who even is John Summit? He sounds like he sucks. Risks,
Speaker 1 03:22
they're live. Wow. Yeah, I have to read your comment that you left, if you don't mind. Oh yeah. So Jamie commented on this video. Since Instagram does that now, they're like, "Does what your fucking friends said about this? She said some of you never pooped in a bag at a concert, and it shows nail emojis. Yeah,
Speaker 2 03:48
fucking losers. I just wanted to see if anyone be like, "You're fucking gross, and no one, no one, you know, no one. I'm gonna like it, but get it some traction. Yeah. Oh,
Speaker 1 04:02
what the fuck, man!
Speaker 2 04:04
Yeah, I gotta be
Speaker 1 04:05
ready at Weird Al, and you gotta be ready at ACL to just fucking yell at someone in their face.
Speaker 2 04:12
I mean, I don't, I, I don't even know what my strategy is gonna be. I guess it's gonna be just to go to the bathroom like a normal person and not like sit there for 10 hours like a fucking poopy poop poop.
Speaker 1 04:30
Maybe just some pre planning. Drink enough water to where you're not going to be dehydrated, but not enough to where you have to go. Or just like go before you get your spot in line. Like why no one uses critical thinking skills at all?
Speaker 5 04:49
Yeah,
Speaker 1 04:49
makes me so mad.
Speaker 2 04:51
It's gonna make smells. There's gonna get quality fluids on other people, which is just disgusting and. Just fuck you because no one knows what you might spread. Just all kinds of just nasty. I hate people. Anyway, love the world we live in. That was Bollibants, and at first I thought it was like a joke because I follow him. He just makes all these like joke content clips. Like yeah, yeah, like you and your friend playing, you know, mermaids or whatever, and it's like Jessica, no, that's my cardboard box or whatever. So I thought it was a joke at first, but um, no, I think it's legit. Um, could be a joke, but I mean, just given the world, the world, and how concerts have been lately with the restroom. Yeah, but
Speaker 5 05:45
like for like a month straight, every week we've been like, hey, just every shit. Another watch, summer of 2026.
Speaker 2 05:55
Yeah, it's. I don't know. It's like people stopped knowing how to be, how to behave at a movie theater, and then people stop knowing how to like use the bathroom when they need to go. I don't know what's wrong with you. We
Speaker 1 06:10
are so fucked. I just watched the movie Wall-E for the first time.
Speaker 2 06:15
Yeah, and like
Speaker 1 06:16
we are on the cusp of the fucking Wall-E world. Yeah, people are just gonna sit in front of a computer, and that's all they will know.
Speaker 2 06:26
Yeah, and just like you know, of course, like idiocracy. You know, the guy's just like sitting on his toilet seat, like armrest chaired, shitting and watching kicked in the balls, and I'm like, yeah, not a bad life, honestly.
Speaker 5 06:39
No, Jamie. Don't give in.
Speaker 2 06:44
Oh,
Speaker 1 06:47
well, I do have a couple other summery things for
Speaker 2 06:52
us
Speaker 1 06:52
that won't make us mad. These are positive.
Speaker 2 06:56
Shit, summer.
Speaker 1 06:58
Shit, girl, summer. So I've been getting a an ad for a product for a while now, and it's from the brand Sweaty Melons.
Speaker 2 07:11
Okay, I feel like I instantly know what it's for.
Speaker 1 07:14
Yep, it is a literal like tit separator to absorb your sweat. Nice. I'm gonna send you the video I first saw.
Speaker 6 07:24
Hi, I'm Jess from Sweaty Melons, and this is the sweat reader. And I'm gonna show you how to use it. It's super simple. All you need to do is keep the longest side at the bottom, slip it into your sports bra or bralette or whatever you're wearing. That's it. The center part will go in between your two melons. It'll sit nice and secure, absorb all the sweat, and then when you're done, you just take it out, wash, and reuse.
Speaker 7 07:48
Okay,
Speaker 1 07:48
so maybe we can use this when we go to our concerts.
Speaker 2 07:51
Oh yeah, yeah. I feel like people are just gonna like use it to absorb their pee, but yes,
Speaker 1 08:00
can I piss in the sweaty Maryland? And then
Speaker 2 08:04
I'll get my uh, what was that fucking? And then I'll get my wild wipe and
Speaker 1 08:08
oh god,
Speaker 2 08:09
just swipe it away. And they're like just
Speaker 1 08:12
flinging it out like this.
Speaker 2 08:14
Fucking wipe it on the shirt of the person in front of me. Oh my god! I mean, that's kind of where
Speaker 1 08:19
we are in the world. People do not think about each other.
Speaker 2 08:22
God, I think I start passing out diapers at concerts. Like we go in, they're like, "Let me take your phone. Oh, here's a diaper.
Speaker 1 08:30
Here's your incontinence product. I got a little bit of information on sweaty melons. If you end up wanting to get one, or any of our listeners do. They have six different sizes and fits you can choose from.
Speaker 2 08:46
Inclusive,
Speaker 1 08:47
very inclusive. Basically, how you choose the size, it's the width that you need and how high up you want them to go. Because if you really have some knockers, you know you need like more. Yeah. Whereas the cleavage will be smaller. Yeah. Then you're gonna have more open chests, so you only need like a little bit to stick up. Uh, they're $24. Um. So I mean, not too crazy. It says you can reuse them. I mean, if you're really active, it might be worth it. Yeah.
Speaker 2 09:20
Yeah.
Speaker 1 09:21
It might be a good camping product or hiking. Yeah,
Speaker 2 09:24
I feel like they would sell. I feel like I'm on Shark Tank. I feel like you would sell more of your product if it was at a lower price point. Yeah, they probably don't manufacture a lot, so it's probably
Speaker 1 09:35
yeah. I agree. Like if it was like $18, I feel like that would be good. Yeah, you could be under 20, and
Speaker 2 09:42
that's the the sweat spot. Yes,
Speaker 1 09:46
me and Jamie have learned a lot from Shark Tank. Yes, it raised me. So the creators of sweaty mill. Just a pair of sweaty-chested geniuses who got tired of pretending boob sweat was just a summer thing.
Speaker 2 10:07
Oh, okay, so it wasn't a man. No, that's cool. Made for women by women. Yes,
Speaker 1 10:13
though I could see a man having the audacity to be like, "I'm gonna make this boob product,
Speaker 5 10:19
like the hard hat thing, exactly.
Speaker 1 10:26
Oh, oh my God! Along those same lines, that totally reminded me. You know how we talked about how pads and tampons weren't tested with real blood until like a couple years ago. Yes, and you know they usually in the commercials they'll have the blue liquid that they pour. The other day I was at the gym and I caught out of the corner of my eye and just saw it for a second. There was fucking red on a pad in a commercial. What I was like, this is crazy progress.
Speaker 2 10:54
Whoa, that's crazy. Yeah. Wow. I feel like some people are gonna be like, oh. It's like okay, do you know how many fucking like boner commercials I've had to fucking sit through as a child? That's my that's my southern Christian mother coming out. Do you know how many boner commercials I've had to sit through in the nude air around me. It's true, though. We're always hearing about y'all's fucking dysfunctional dicks, or like how to make them bigger, or whatever the fuck. We don't care. Yeah,
Speaker 3 11:36
we have to deal with
Speaker 1 11:37
this every month.
Speaker 2 11:39
Yeah,
Speaker 1 11:40
a fucking tidal wave of blood. You can see it on a commercial for two seconds.
Speaker 2 11:45
Yeah, it's fine. Get
Speaker 1 11:47
over. You've
Speaker 2 11:48
seen the shiny. Yes, it's okay. I mean, I do get like if people are grossed out by blood in general, but if you're just like, ew, blood came out of a
Speaker 5 12:01
vagina. I don't know. That's funny. I've
Speaker 1 12:07
heard friends talk about like, you know, giving birth and like their husband got woozy. I'm like, fuck you. You had nine months to fucking prepare. Like, if you need to go to like therapy and like work on that fear or something. Like, don't be the fucking guy that's like, oh, I'm gonna pass out. I'm like, no, there's other shit going on. Yeah,
Speaker 2 12:28
yeah. Like, uh, your partner's vagina is getting ripped open. Yeah, you gotta power through it, man. You gotta power through it. Look
Speaker 1 12:41
away if you have to, but don't cause a scene.
Speaker 2 12:46
Yeah, that's good though. That the there you know there's there's progress there. That's very cool. Very cool. There there is a period museum in Taipei, but it was closed when I went, so I I didn't get to see it. But
Speaker 1 12:59
gotta go back. But
Speaker 2 13:00
yeah, I wanna wanna go check that out because I was like, periods unite us women across the
Speaker 1 13:06
world. It's true, it's very. Um, I feel very ranty this episode. Sorry, but everything is making me mad, except for sweaty melons. Um,
Speaker 2 13:21
it sounds like a very Len product. Like I feel like one of them are Lin.
Speaker 5 13:25
Yes, definitely.
Speaker 1 13:30
Oh shit! That's the wrong video. Oh
Speaker 2 13:34
shit! I got both of our fucking Southern Christian films. Oh shit! Oh shit! It's the wrong fucking URL.
Speaker 1 13:44
Oh my god! I'm gonna get fired at the
Speaker 2 13:48
boner ass.
Speaker 1 13:50
The boner air.
Speaker 2 13:54
I can't go into the men's bathroom. I went on accident. I knew because the boner air.
Speaker 1 14:00
Oh my god! But if you're like doing prep work in the kitchen and you got upset and like cut your finger off because of the boner air,
Speaker 2 14:08
ah, dude, yeah, I um, yeah, sorry. That's like one of my intrusive thoughts is just like cutting up my fingers, and I'm just like, no, no, no, you're good. I just like, yeah, just always scared. I'm gonna like, and I talk to a. I'm not gonna say the listener, but I talk to them about it too. And it's just like any time I'm in the kitchen and I like have a knife, I'm just like, I have a knife. Do not move. Stay where you are. You stay. I don't even like
Speaker 1 14:45
anybody in the kitchen when I'm doing stuff. I'm like, no, just stand at the perimeter. Yeah, and then I know where you are. Yeah, no one's
Speaker 2 14:53
getting hurt or anything. Oh my God, we've talked, both talked about just like being scared when. The cats are gonna run into the oven, so like the that it didn't like happen, but it like almost happened. Like I opened the oven, and then Diablo just like ran over, and he he wasn't gonna like run in it, but he you know was trying to like smell it, and I just was like oh look at them back oh, so that was a fear almost come true, but terrifying. So far, I have never accidentally put my cat in the oven, or in the dryer, or in the wash machine, or anything like that. So it's good.
Speaker 5 15:33
Yes. Um. Ugh. So scary to think about.
Speaker 2 15:39
Sorry to trail off, but I'll leave this in there in case anyone can relate and help them. So boom, boom, boom,
Speaker 1 15:44
boom. Not alone. Um, one positive thing you could do during the summer is get a shorter hairdo to deal with the heat. Yeah,
Speaker 2 15:57
during shit girl summer.
Speaker 1 15:59
Shit girl summer. I mean, you don't want your hair to get too saturated and shit if you get a parasitic diarrhea situation, so cut it off. Or I can't remember if this is a a wig in this video I sent you or if it's actual short hair. But we have a little QVC blooper.
Speaker 2 16:20
Oh yes, yes, yes! I think I saw it, and I'm so glad you brought it up because I forgot to put it in my notes. Oh yes, it's so funny because I was like, "Man, when's the next fucking like you know QVC salesperson like mistake gonna happen? Yes,
Speaker 3 16:37
I love to show the texture and this wave pattern again. It looks like you went and got a blowjob at your blowout at your salon, and it looks beautiful. All
Speaker 6 16:56
right, so here's what's happening today. We're having a huge beauty sale. Blow
Speaker 2 17:00
job. job. Oh, dude. Oh, I just love how she just like freezes and then just fucking like hides, just leaves the set. Basically, I will
Speaker 1 17:14
say though, I feel like she didn't do a very good job blending in because then she like started laughing. I'm like, no, get your heads the game, juicy lady.
Speaker 2 17:24
And this is like, ah, this is sometimes when I have to like perform and stuff. People are like, how do you do it with anxiety? Because I'm like, that would be worse. It'd be way worse if I made a big deal about it and just like just keep going. Froze up. You just gotta keep going because it may be worse. People didn't notice, even
Speaker 1 17:44
though they did. But if you just go with it, make make them gaslight themselves. Like, oh, did I just hear blue drop? Yeah, she didn't say that.
Speaker 2 17:55
Oh, yeah. What do you think that you would do if you
Speaker 5 18:00
just accidentally said blow drop. I
Speaker 1 18:03
think that if I were doing something like that, I would be so like in the zone that I either wouldn't notice, or I would correct it right away and just pretend that it never fucking happened. Yeah,
Speaker 2 18:19
yeah. I feel like she got how we were getting about the nude nudity in the air and boner commercials. Boner, she was like blowjob. The air has been infested by my dick mouth.
Speaker 1 18:40
Yes, that's what she did.
Speaker 2 18:43
Oh,
Speaker 1 18:44
I don't remember if I've told this on the podcast. I'm sure I have, but when I graduated mortuary school, I was like the fucking valedictorian or whatever. Humble brag.
Speaker 2 18:55
Oh, I thought you were gonna be like, I was like the baddest bitch. But you probably were. You're like, I'm valid to explain. Yes, you were like the what's it called, the Elwoods of mortuary. Oh, and
Speaker 1 19:07
actually, I think it's pronounced valedictorian, but I always say Valedictorian. I do too. I think it's with a D.
Speaker 2 19:17
Oh, I guess I never really noticed. Me
Speaker 1 19:19
either, but I was like, I just said I was that, so I should correct some validatoria. Oh shoot, shoot! But I was giving my little speech at our graduation, and my fucking hat fell off and hit the microphone, and I was just like, "Put it right back on. Keep fucking talking. Oh yeah,
Speaker 2 19:50
they're like, "That's our valedictorian. Yeah,
Speaker 5 19:54
look at her hat there.
Speaker 2 19:56
She just kept on going.
Speaker 1 19:57
Dude, speech.
Speaker 2 20:00
Oh, that's awesome! I I remember one time I was giving a I was interning somewhere and I was giving a presentation. Luckily, it was just to like a small amount of a people who volunteered to come watch us student science people, and yeah, so I had the projector on and I accidentally turned it off instead of using the pointer. Oh, and luckily it was April Fools, so I was just kind of rolled with it as an April Fool's thing, and I was pretty pretty proud of myself for that. I was like, yeah, you get a little laughs, get a little, little science, little knowledge, a little bit of everything for presentations. So you know, which was nice because those were the first presentations I did where I couldn't put in just like bullshit because a lot of times in school, yeah, I'd always put like a little Chuck Norris in the corner, or just like something to just make it interesting and not fucking mind-numbingly fucking boring.
Speaker 1 21:11
Like this is my serious presentation. I'm a serious businesswoman now.
Speaker 2 21:18
I guess I was into presentations for a little bit, I don't know, because like I remember one time in a, I think it was like one of my calculus classes in community college. My teacher was like, "Yeah, I'm trying to think of like some different like projects or something for you guys to do for you know, so we're not like just doing homework stuff or whatever. And out loud, I decided to say, "What if we just teach a lesson? And teacher loved it. Everyone hated it, but I felt like it was better. I feel like you know, you learn your individual lesson, and then your classmate is probably going to teach it more interesting or intriguingly than your teacher might. I don't know. She gets
Speaker 1 22:01
a break.
Speaker 7 22:02
Yeah. You know, I feel like the
Speaker 1 22:04
podcast is kind of doing presentation. You know. Oh my
Speaker 2 22:07
god, it's full circle. Yes.
Speaker 5 22:09
As soon as you said that, I was like, "Yeah, me too.
Speaker 2 22:15
Yeah. Whoa, whispering on team project.
Speaker 5 22:19
Yeah.
Speaker 2 22:20
And then I was, yeah. Also, I was like, if I ever stream again, I want to do like art history lessons and things like that. And it's like presentations, baby. That's my bag. But I don't want to be a teacher because fuck that.
Speaker 1 22:34
Yeah,
Speaker 2 22:35
I can't handle fucking teenagers being mean to me.
Speaker 1 22:39
Yes.
Speaker 2 22:41
I I am aware I'm not fit for that line of work.
Speaker 1 22:45
Ugh, nightmare, nightmare. That's actually a good segue to my next thing,
Speaker 2 22:52
princess.
Speaker 1 22:54
Princess, I have to tell you about a community in Minneapolis that have a very interesting summer ritual.
Speaker 5 23:02
Oh,
Speaker 1 23:03
someone has in their yard a gigantic number two pencil that's like very very tall,
Speaker 2 23:12
cute.
Speaker 1 23:13
Yeah, and they have a sharpening ceremony every year.
Speaker 2 23:18
Oh, that's actually fun.
Speaker 1 23:20
Yeah, people dress up as pencils and erasers, and I'll send you the video here in a minute. But basically, what happened? They had this really distinct tree in their yard, and I guess all their neighbors loved it. But then, oh my gosh, it's 20 feet tall. I forgot to mention that.
Speaker 2 23:40
Whoa!
Speaker 1 23:41
Yeah, so they had this big storm and the top of the tree got knocked off. So then they just had like you know a straight line, and they hired an artist to make piece of pop art that people would recognize. Oh, and one of the homeowners says, "Why a pencil? Everybody uses a pencil. Everybody knows a pencil. You see it in school. You see it in people's works or drawings. Everything. So it's just so accessible to everybody, I think, and can easily mean something, and everyone can make that what they want of
Speaker 2 24:21
it, accessible unless you don't have arms or feet.
Speaker 1 24:25
Wow! I guess you could still use
Speaker 2 24:28
your mouth.
Speaker 1 24:29
That's true. Yeah. So a sculptor named Curtis Ivan Goldstad transformed the little tree twig left over into a number two pencil, and yeah, now they have a fucking party every year. Um, they've made a custom giant pencil sharpener, and they put up fucking scaffolding so people like climb up there. They have the big sharp. And then they have to like walk around it to sharpen. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. So this says like any ritual, you've got to sacrifice something. So we're sacrificing part of this, part of the monumentality of the pencil, so that we can give that to the audience that comes. Sorry, I got I got so anxious as I was fucking that up as I'm reading. My brain is going, "You forgot how to read. You forgot how to read.
Speaker 2 25:35
Yeah, well, that's funny because I was just thinking, Alyssa, are you even a reading girl. Wow,
Speaker 1 25:41
that valedictorian sounds like she doesn't even know how to fucking read. Yeah, I've fallen from my high up place in the valedictorian world. That I'll send you this video. It is very joyous. I would love to take a trip to this festival.
Speaker 2 26:06
Yeah, that's so cool because I love the art that is basically like never gonna be the same like twice or something. You know, yeah, it keeps evolving even if it is like minor changes like that.
Speaker 7 26:18
When you sharpen it, you smell the graphite. When you erase, you can smell the rubber. It is a very tactile experience. We all know, but what the pencil can do when you sharpen it is so much more. It's a promise to do something.
Speaker 2 26:31
Man, that is so cool. It's like so goofy and silly, but it's just I don't know. It's just kind of fun that a community was like, yeah, we just need a little more partying and stuff. Hell
Speaker 3 26:40
yeah!
Speaker 2 26:41
I feel like you could almost turn it into like a like a writing celebration kind of event too. Yeah, like encourage kids to write.
Speaker 1 26:50
That would be cool.
Speaker 2 26:51
But I really enjoyed those pencil performers, the dancers.
Speaker 1 26:55
I knew you'd like it. This is totally something we would go to.
Speaker 2 27:00
Just fucking get drunk and watch fucking pencil stuff. I'll be fucking front row in my diaper, fucking shit, and waiting for the pencil sharpening.
Speaker 1 27:12
Oh, and maybe if you're dressed as a pencil, when you pee your diaper enough and it becomes yellow, it'll just blend in. Yeah,
Speaker 2 27:19
no one will notice.
Speaker 1 27:21
No one will know.
Speaker 2 27:22
Yeah. Hey, look at that. And then if your shit drips down your leg, it's just your pencil streak. Yes. You know exactly. Oh man, what a what a fun thing. Summer. Yeah, shit girl summer. Get your shit girl summer on sharpen your pencils. Maybe I've talked about this on the podcast before, but there is this there is this guy that was like a he like hand sharpens pencils, but he made it like a whole Instagram where he was like, "I do the Lincoln sharpening method. I mean, it all turned out to be like just bullshit, you know. But it's just the character was just. I even watched a streamer I watched, Whoopi Pay Money Wubby interview him because he's like, I can't tell if this guy's serious or not.
Speaker 1 28:10
But best kind of people,
Speaker 2 28:12
yeah. It was just, it's funny, it's good. I liked it. Nice. It brought joy to the world.
Speaker 1 28:17
Hell yeah!
Speaker 2 28:18
Without taking anything away.
Speaker 1 28:20
Yes.
Speaker 2 28:21
Just like this podcast.
Speaker 1 28:23
Exactly, you bring joy to our world. So thank you for listening.
Speaker 2 28:27
Thank you for listening, babies. You bring joy to our world. Yes, and we are glad that mother can provide slay. Nailed it. Yeah, very natural. Been getting too many fucking shits like that on my thing. Where I don't know, it's like chapel ruin or mother or mother or lord or whatever, and people are like, "Mother.
Speaker 1 28:55
That reminds me of this video that I saw, and it was like, actually, I feel like I can't even explain it properly. So never mind. That's what happens to us valedictorians sometimes. We're so tired from being so learned, you know.
Speaker 2 29:12
Yeah, yeah. And you know, you got your pencil, and you can erase that. And um, but we would never erase you guys from our lives,
Speaker 1 29:22
never.
Speaker 2 29:23
So party on,
Speaker 1 29:25
party on.