Ring in the new year with a feast of gross cocktails and a heaping serving of new year themed creepy pastas!
Ring in the new year with a feast of gross cocktails and a heaping serving of new year themed creepy pastas!
Speaker 1 0:00
So Alyssa, I went out for a friend's birthday recently to a bar. It was our friends of the podcast, hope and Mike, and there was a like this drunk guy that kept hanging out with us, and his co worker. Co worker was pretty cool. Anyway, the guy, Mike told him that it was Hope's birthday, and then hope came out of the bathroom and he bathroom, and he like takes her hand and then went to kiss it, but he kissed his hand like instead, he kissed his own hand
he's that fucked up. He's just like, Yeah, well, yeah, because he took Hope's hand to be like my lady, but just kissed his own hand instead.
Unknown Speaker 1:07
Um, that's, that's weird.
Speaker 1 1:09
Yeah, it was weird. And if we sound weird today, it's because we're in a different setup, yes, and we had a bunch of technical difficulties we worked through for about an hour. So it is what our dedication to you fat heads, yes, yes. So it is what it is for this episode. In the next if I sound like I'm in like a helicopter cockpit, it's because I am using my society. Is my gaming headset. That was like, the only thing I could get to work properly with everything, but, um,
Unknown Speaker 1:43
but yeah, uh. So welcome
Speaker 2 1:45
to nervous laughter. I'm Jamie and this is Alyssa. Welcome. So did the guy acknowledge that he kissed his own hand? Or was it just a thing that no one spoke about? He did.
Speaker 1 1:55
I didn't even notice. It was like, Oh yeah, I kissed my own hand, um, which I was kind of like, you know what? He's drunk, and it is cringy, but also
Speaker 2 2:07
kind of a nicer move in today's, you know, landscape, yeah, can't just be grabbing hands and kissing them anymore, yeah, yeah.
Unknown Speaker 2:18
And he, he said NGL instead of not gonna lie,
Unknown Speaker 2:23
which made me like I was like,
Speaker 1 2:29
and he also kept like, making inappropriate jokes
Unknown Speaker 2:33
towards hope. And I,
Speaker 1 2:36
oh, God, like hope did a great job, because she was just kind of having fun messing with them a little bit and stuff. Because, like, he said something I can't remember, but I was just like, oh, it was, like, a really bad, gross sexual joke that you don't make to people you just met and and then so she just kept talking. And then he said, he was like, Oh, I said, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. She's like, Yeah, I know we're just gonna gloss over that. And so anyway,
Unknown Speaker 3:07
yeah, fuck yeah.
Unknown Speaker 3:10
That's amazing, yeah.
Speaker 1 3:12
So that was, um Yeah, it was, that was a great uh thing, just to kind of watch. But like, one of the things he said, I wrote this down. I can't remember exactly the word she used. I think it was ruminous. But she was talking, we're talking about body types or whatever. And she's like, Yeah, I have more of like, you know, a ruminous body type. The guy goes romanist is my favorite type of porn. Oh,
Unknown Speaker 3:45
why was he allowed to hang out? I
Speaker 1 3:51
Well, because hope was having fun messing with them and okay, fair. And then I was like, You know what? I'm it's your birthday. I'm enjoying watching this, you know, we'll go with it, but yeah. Otherwise the mic was like, Yeah, I would have but hope was having fun messing with
Unknown Speaker 4:08
them. I was like, yeah, so
Unknown Speaker 4:11
it worked out for entertainment purposes.
Speaker 2 4:14
Well, that's good. So I didn't mean that as a judgment. I was just like, that sounds bad. No, no, it's fine.
Unknown Speaker 4:21
Having fun.
Speaker 1 4:22
Yeah, because she was messing with them. But I kept, I think I just couldn't help the faces I was making, like a lot of times when he was making jokes,
Speaker 2 4:33
oh yeah, oh no, I think, oh, sorry, go ahead. I was just gonna say, hopefully the next day, his friend was like, Man, you were, like, fucked up.
Speaker 1 4:43
Yeah, it was his co worker too. So it's like, more embarrassing. Oh, yeah, good, but yeah, so that was my recent experience with a drunk person. I would say lovely, but it wasn't they. Aren't lovely.
Speaker 2 5:01
Yeah, where you said you had a drunk person story, and it reminded me of something that I saw several years ago. So one of one of my friends from mortuary school, she was having, I don't know if it was her birthday party or she was having a party for a friend at her house. But this is like, when Snapchat was really big and people were posting like, you know, their evening on Snapchat, and I'm just like, at home, like, watching the party.
Unknown Speaker 5:32
So everybody's like, hanging out, you know, they're like,
Speaker 2 5:38
kind of doing like, selfies with like, goofy little, like, Bunny filters or whatever. And, you know, there's like, drinks and somebody, like, there's a video of somebody holding up a blunt, I'm like, okay, they're getting they're having fun. And then the next picture was the back of the toilet lid tank, and it was
Unknown Speaker 6:02
broken in half. Oh, I
Unknown Speaker 6:04
hope that wasn't someone's fucking head or something.
Speaker 2 6:09
Don't remember. I should have messaged her to ask. I don't remember how it happened. I don't know if somebody just like, was like, oh, and knocked it over or whatever, but oh my god, it was so funny. And messaged her. Was like, What the fuck is going on over there? And she's like, I know this party got weird, but I just, I like, always think about that. I don't know why, but it was just, it was the best sequence of events. I love that. That's awesome. Yeah, good times. Well, since it's this will be coming out on New Year's Eve,
Unknown Speaker 6:55
I thought that
Speaker 2 6:58
I could share some cocktail recipes for If anyone's having guests that they hate and need to serve them something to show their hate. Hell yeah. Like if that guy from the bar, if y'all meet up with him again, you could give him one of these things.
Unknown Speaker 7:14
Oh, that'd be perfect. I'm sure he would guzzle that shit down.
Unknown Speaker 7:21
So I found this a while back.
Unknown Speaker 7:25
It's called a veltini.
Unknown Speaker 7:28
So in the summer of 2022
Speaker 2 7:31
Velveeta cheese partnered with BLT Restaurant Group to offer a horrendous drink called the veltini, which is basically a martini made out of Velveeta infused vodka.
Unknown Speaker 7:47
Ew, and that's the thing that
Speaker 1 7:50
I feel like I vaguely remember this. Was this like Africa? Did I already do it was in 2022, oh, okay, no, I'm just chronically online. No, I think I held my list for a while. I think I was following some food influencer, and they got sent a you know, gift of it,
Speaker 2 8:16
yeah, so I'll talk about that, the little box that they sent out. So I guess the restaurant chain only had, you know, a handful of locations, but the brand teamed up with a delivery service called Gold belly, which I've never heard of, but they sold Velveeta veltini kits so that you could make yourself one at home, and the packages were $50 thing, yeah, 50 fucking dollars. Velveeta is kind of expensive now, though,
Unknown Speaker 8:54
as a white trash,
Unknown Speaker 8:57
as a white trash, I've noticed the price of Velveeta go up
Speaker 1 9:02
already on a white trash thing. Yeah.
Speaker 2 9:05
I mean, if you missed the last episode, we had monster pie, so go back and listen to that. So for 50 bucks, you get two martini glasses, a gold cocktail shaker, because it's fancy, two Velveeta coasters, a jar of olives. Cocktail picks a box of Velveeta jumbo shells and cheese and cheese sauce for infusing the vodka. So you have to provide your own vodka.
Speaker 1 9:40
Oh, okay. I was like, if vodka is included, this might be worth the 50 bucks. Yeah, it would be a good
Unknown Speaker 9:46
deal if vodka was okay.
Speaker 2 9:49
So someone named C lane on Reddit got a hold of a box, and he shared the little recipe card and talked about how he made it okay.
Unknown Speaker 9:59
So. So just sounds so fucking gross this description.
Speaker 2 10:05
So you're gonna get a bowl and you're gonna pour the cheese sauce in it. You pour the vodka on top of the cheese sauce and shake well, leave it room temperature overnight, shaking every two hours. Oh, you have to tend to it like, yeah, you gotta set it, yeah, you gotta fucking set an alarm to do this shit. And this is the part that's gross. So when it's done, you pass the Velveeta infused vodka through a fine mesh strainer and funnel it back into the bottle, discard the solids.
Speaker 1 10:48
Not really something that I want and like. I mean, I guess you know, fruits and things would also be solids, but just like
Speaker 2 10:56
describing anything is fucking solids, I just think of poop. I mean, maybe I'm immature, but I think of
Speaker 1 11:05
no can just imagine like it just like getting pushed through the strainer, just like, gross. I bet this would slap if you infused it with hot dog vodka.
Speaker 2 11:22
Oh, shit, that might be good, actually, hot dog and Velveeta flavored water. One
Speaker 2 11:34
other terminology with drinks that really grosses me out is floater, like, if you get a margarita and they're like, there's a fucking tequila floater. I'm like, Well, I'm just thinking of shit floating in the glass now. So thank you.
Unknown Speaker 11:48
Wait what it I guess I was just thinking it might be like,
Speaker 1 11:52
dant, like Mount Sandra, but, you know, just something from, like, a garnish, but like, what is like a tequila float or something specific, like, is it like a chunk of solid? Yeah, a floater is just like a chopped poured on top of something. Oh, if you had, like a frozen drink, though, or a floater, but it does make sense what you're saying about like a garnish, because it is floating in the drink. Well, I was thinking it might be like, garbage or something like, like, Ew, I have a floaty there's something floating in my drink. Or, you know, something like that, like, so I was like, Oh, is that? Like, when a piece of tequila gets solid,
Unknown Speaker 12:35
I don't enjoy drinking. It's a piece of the worm.
Unknown Speaker 12:40
You can tell I don't I am not a partier.
Speaker 2 12:44
Yeah, I'm not really anymore, but I was enough to know the term floater, which I regret. Would you drink those at a What was that bar called the office? Oh, the office lounge. Usually I would just get vodka soda or vodka cranberry. So it can't really float because it's, you know, all mixed together. I think it's more if you get a frozen drink or something that has different viscosities, so like, one will float on top of the other, or whatever. Like, if you get some olive oil
Unknown Speaker 13:22
when you have a olive oil and what
Speaker 2 13:26
is it that doesn't mix oil and vinegar, yeah, if you have an oil and vinegar martini,
Unknown Speaker 13:31
you remember those oil drinks that Starbucks had?
Unknown Speaker 13:36
Oh, yeah. And
Speaker 2 13:37
everybody was like, Yeah, I shut my pants from last Yeah, I never tried it because it looked disgusting.
Unknown Speaker 13:45
But the like,
Speaker 1 13:48
CEO of Starbucks and of that olive oil company, we're friends, so that's how that came to be. No way a culinary person was like, this was delicious.
Unknown Speaker 14:00
I stupid. But yeah, so if you want to make your own
Speaker 2 14:10
beltini, you're going to use two and a half ounces of the cheese infused vodka, half an ounce of dry vermouth and half an ounce of olive brine, and then you're gonna rim the glass and cheese sauce. And there you have it, beltini.
Speaker 1 14:29
I'm just thinking of this because, like, the sauce is not gonna come off, like 100% so it's gonna be glass.
Speaker 2 14:39
And you know what I hate is when you can see people's lip prints on the glass, there's definitely going to be fucking lip prints on that. Yeah?
Speaker 1 14:47
Because, like, I like to steal drinks from people, or like, sips from people when I get drunk, and that would definitely deter me from, oh, god, yeah, put cheese on the ramp if you don't
Unknown Speaker 14:59
want me to. Drink it
Unknown Speaker 15:03
again, backwash, cheese sauce, RIM nightmare.
Speaker 2 15:09
So yeah, if you if you hate someone, you could definitely make them a vel teeny I have another shot that is vile.
Unknown Speaker 15:23
Apparently, it's kind of like
Speaker 2 15:26
joke shot where people will just take it just as kind of like a like, like a jackass of drinking, I guess, like a booger Jelly
Unknown Speaker 15:37
Bean. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 15:41
It's called the smoker's cough. Which that right there?
Speaker 1 15:45
That's, that's vile. Yes, I'm surprised you don't like that. Uh, well,
Speaker 2 15:53
well, I do love cigarettes. They do give you a nasty sounding cough sometimes. Okay, fair, don't appreciate that. No, just be young and hot and smoke cigarettes. Don't get old and haggard smoking.
Speaker 1 16:07
Just don't have the size forever. Yes,
Speaker 2 16:12
yeah, we need to invent a cigarette that doesn't give you a smoker's cough. So if you'd like to make this for your enemy, you do one ounce of Jagermeister, which I don't mind. It's a
Unknown Speaker 16:24
fine drink
Unknown Speaker 16:27
and a
Speaker 2 16:28
teaspoon of mayonnaise. Oh, gross, not for something, man,
Unknown Speaker 16:36
yeah, that is disgusting.
Speaker 2 16:41
It says that the mayo is meant to sink and swirl for an unsettling visual and textural effect, like No fucking shit. Sounds gross. That's like a floater
Unknown Speaker 16:53
of Manny, yeah.
Speaker 2 16:59
And then one other quick thing. Oh, were you gonna say something? No, no, I just
Speaker 1 17:05
it kind of made me think of like ice cream, where it's like a swirl of chocolate, but it's just like
Speaker 2 17:11
mayonnaise, mayo and fucking Jaeger. I also recently heard of this liquor called mallort. And it's Wormwood based, which is the stuff that they have, an absence that they used to think made you hallucinate and shit, yeah, and it's apparently very disgusting, but it came here from Sweden, so I think some people are just kind of fond of it, so like, it's Swedish tradition or whatever. And then I guess it got popular Chicago for whatever reason. So it's kind of another one of those things, like a booger Jelly Bean. Or you're like, Oh, I'm gonna take a shot of my Lord.
Speaker 1 17:59
Yeah, might as well. I'm in Chicago. Hey, give me a shout of beloyed.
Unknown Speaker 18:06
It's windy out here.
Unknown Speaker 18:10
I did try a shot of
Speaker 1 18:13
peppermint schnapps for the first time. That was, did you like it? Very powerful.
Unknown Speaker 18:22
I was like, it's gonna be like a, you know,
Speaker 1 18:26
maybe like a whisper of peppermint, but it was just like wasabi peppermint, like in your
Unknown Speaker 18:33
fucking punched you in the mouth repeatedly.
Unknown Speaker 18:38
Awful. Did you do any other experimental shots?
Unknown Speaker 18:44
No, there is, um,
Speaker 1 18:47
there is one I would like to try, though it's like a shot with a quail egg in it. It's an hour like downtown. And I went with some people. Sounds very downtown Austin, yes, yes. And it's a, I guess I assumed it would be like a, just like a raw egg, but I guess it's not. Guess it might be like, I don't know if it's like, boiled or just cooked a little bit, but yeah, the guy is like, chew it, don't swallow it
Unknown Speaker 19:15
interesting. I don't
Speaker 1 19:16
want to do the heinleck maneuver. So, yeah, I'll, I might try it if we go to that bar again. Nice.
Speaker 2 19:25
I like having a little snack with a drink, like a Bloody Mary, all kinds of shit in there.
Speaker 1 19:33
Yeah, I don't like Bloody Mary. It's too savory for but, oh, but I get it.
Unknown Speaker 19:41
Salt, salt, salt, pepper, bacon, celery, yeah,
Speaker 2 19:49
if you go somewhere really crazy, they'll do like a fucking mini cheeseburger on the pick. Or, you know, they do all kinds of like crazy garnishes, yeah, I remember seeing tons of stuff like that. New Orleans, they go fucking crazy with it. It's like, here's a crawfish on there too. I'm the customer for that. I'm like, Oh, my God, that's so cool.
Speaker 1 20:16
Has just like a floater of mayonnaise at the bottom for dipping. I know
Unknown Speaker 20:21
I'm probably not using floater, right? Because,
Unknown Speaker 20:25
yeah, I know what you meant,
Speaker 2 20:29
yeah, if you want to try, my lord, people often describe it as tasting like grapefruit peel burnt vinyl or gasoline.
Speaker 1 20:40
Oh, sounds awful. Yeah,
Speaker 2 20:44
and I, the way I found out about this. This guy came across my Instagram.
Unknown Speaker 20:51
His name is Alan Halas
Unknown Speaker 20:54
Alice, I don't know,
Speaker 2 20:57
but he does a little series called, is it worse than mallort? And he'll play some clip, like the first one I saw, he was playing a Kid Rock song, and it's like, is this kid rock song worse than Mallory? And then he'll take a shot, and he's like, I'd rather have the Mallory. So it's a fun little series that sounds like a good one. Sorry. Is it tick tock? Better? Okay. Instagram. Oh, okay, okay,
Unknown Speaker 21:25
yeah, thanks. Yeah,
Speaker 2 21:28
that's all I have for liquor. So yeah, if you're going to be around your enemies, take note. Ruin their New Year's Eve. Welcome shots of the Lord
Speaker 1 21:42
and also, for this new year, I went ahead and got a few creepy pastas.
Unknown Speaker 21:51
We haven't had those in a while. Excited,
Speaker 1 21:55
um, so yeah, I have, I have three of them. Two are, uh, pretty short, and then the third one's the longer. I'll start with one of the short ones first. I'll save my the one I like the most for last. So, okay, this one is called the New Year. It was submitted by creepy zalgo on April 11, 2014, so here we go. New Year's night is a time of bliss and celebration joy to one and all but one for the duration, but all through the night till the morning after sedation, the lowly eyeball man finds a different sort of elation, ragged I know I imagine him with eyeballs on his fingers, like always
Speaker 2 22:56
Oh, or maybe he has The fucking eyeball surgery like you talked about,
Unknown Speaker 23:01
oh yeah, oh yeah, it would be perfect.
Speaker 1 23:04
I looked and I don't think Tyra Banks has had that. I think her eyes are just always, just been like,
Unknown Speaker 23:11
gotcha. But yeah, it's a very,
Speaker 1 23:16
got me thinking very, what's it called the rusty spoons guy. Oh, solid fingers, so yes, like I can picture his face.
Unknown Speaker 23:31
Oh, maybe I should read the rest of this in his voice,
Speaker 1 23:35
yes, okay, let me try ragged clothes and face a bath and shadow, 1000 eyes of empty sorrow, no no ears and no mouth to swallow, but he sees and he knows and he devours what he follows in the ice into night, a handful of eyes do blow on the back decade Street. Your fate, they sow 100 blinking, empty eyes and all that they knew an unforgiving Moon watched by 1000 dead eyes below, there's a good chunk left. So I don't, I don't think I can keep the voice up.
Unknown Speaker 24:25
You're really killing it with the voice,
Speaker 1 24:29
I feel like it's very breathy. And with this mic, this mic picks up a lot of breath. So I don't want to be like fingers. But this, yeah, this feels very much his vibe, um, when you and your friends are out having fun in the cold and the black, his plan has spun in the wet, in the dark. Nobody has yet outrun the eyeball man faceless the midnight sun. But if you stay out late into the. Night walk home, not by the sparse, ambiguous moonlight. Stay under the glowing lamps, but in spite may not be in luck tonight, the eyeball man might follow you home, slip in with you from the night he roams in the sodden streets in the hanging room. It'll all be over once. It's just you and him alone. Maybe I can switch back to the voice for the last four lines. Oh, perfect. So this New Year, let it be a warning to one and all, from the sparse green country to some somber and urban sprawl. Do not walk at night while only medical melancholy moonlight fall if you wish for lonely, peculiar death to be forestalled the end. I don't know if I did it as well. That last one, I feel like I lost.
Unknown Speaker 26:04
It was still perfect.
Unknown Speaker 26:08
Thank you. Thank you.
Speaker 2 26:10
And I feel like that's the most consistent accent that has happened on the entire show. Oh shit, hell yeah,
Unknown Speaker 26:18
yeah. Round of applause,
Speaker 1 26:19
yes, yay, yeah, maybe I can find a character that needs a voice acting like salad. Just be a backup sound.
Unknown Speaker 26:31
Be his lady friend. Yeah,
Speaker 2 26:34
I was showing my nephew Salad Fingers because he likes spooky stuff. And the video I clicked on, I can't remember if it was the rusty spoons one or the nettles one, but he's like,
Speaker 1 26:49
I love the feeling of it on my skin. It's orgasmic. And I was like, close the video. Yeah. It's funny, because, like, I watched that stuff when I was younger, but it's like, oh yeah. Maybe, I probably wouldn't share this with, like,
Unknown Speaker 27:05
young Yeah, I
Speaker 2 27:06
haven't watched it in a long time. So we were, like, out to breakfast, and I was talking to him, but like, his parents were having another conversation, and he, like, looked over at his parents. I'm like,
Speaker 1 27:19
turning it off. I didn't say that, but I'm like, oh my god, I'm gonna get in trouble. Don't tell on me. It was an accident. Yeah. I remember, um, so that those videos used to be
Unknown Speaker 27:34
on fat dash pie.com
Speaker 1 27:38
and I just remember that so well, because if you don't put the dash in there, you go to, like, it's, I think I remember the landing page very specifically. It was a very large woman,
Unknown Speaker 27:52
naked with a pie,
Speaker 1 27:57
and some of it was on her. And I was just like,
Unknown Speaker 28:02
we're just looking for salad. Finger, I just want salad.
Unknown Speaker 28:10
So, yeah, that was the good times growing up on the internet.
Speaker 1 28:17
This next one I have is the New Year burning. And this one's submitted from it says credit to Asia. I say submitted. They didn't send these. I found these on the website
Unknown Speaker 28:31
creepypasta. So submitted to creepy pasta.
Unknown Speaker 28:35
This one's from 2015, right.
Speaker 1 28:37
Here we go. This one's a little a little longer, so buckle in and feel free to interrupt me. We just have a little bit of delay.
Unknown Speaker 28:45
So catch it. Okay, pop, pop, pop, pop.
Speaker 1 28:53
It was only 9:45pm and the local kids were already setting off cherry bombs. Lydia expected such, but even so, it startled her to the point of spilling the tea she had held in her hand. The hot liquid burned the inside of her thigh. She cursed under her breath. It was New Year's Eve, and Lydia was spinning it the way she had. She always had alone, curled up with a good book and the hot beverage. I'm on board with that. Love it. Love that for her. Me too. Not so much like getting pissed off at local kids for
Unknown Speaker 29:31
I will say that is me. If
Speaker 2 29:34
it happens too early or too late, I'm like, shut the fuck up
Unknown Speaker 29:39
on New Year. Well, yes,
Unknown Speaker 29:43
I guess sometimes they'll
Speaker 2 29:44
start, like, in the middle of the fucking day, and I'm like, give the pets a break. That's it's too long if you're gonna do it. And then if you're doing it until like, three or four in the morning, that's too excessive.
Speaker 1 29:56
Oh, okay. For some reason I was like, if it's like, 1230 You know, but that's like, no, consider the context.
Speaker 2 30:05
Oh, yeah, I didn't explain it very well, but yeah, I feel like people here do it kind of outside of what I would consider the normal
Unknown Speaker 30:16
that shit pisses me off.
Unknown Speaker 30:18
Gotcha. Yeah, I feel like people hear
Unknown Speaker 30:21
good about it, that's good.
Speaker 1 30:29
Okay, so the holiday was just another day for her, and although she did make it a tradition to at least stay up until midnight, she felt no need to spend it with friends or family. She liked the solitude and often felt awkward around other people.
Unknown Speaker 30:48
Yeah, or not, hang out with us. I mean, she would be in a group text,
Speaker 1 30:59
getting up to wash the tea from her leg, she passed the once vibrant Christmas trees. Lights were no longer twinkling. The last time the lights were on was Christmas day. She made a mental note to take it down the following morning, as well as all the other half assed decorations she had around her house, she often wondered why she bothered putting them up anyway. Nobody saw them but her, but old habits die hard. Grabbing a rag from a drawer in the kitchen, she wiped off the spilled tea and examined her thigh. The spot was red, but nothing too serious. The pain would subside quickly, and as long as she kept a firm grip on her mug, she was sure she would be able to get through the night without too many serious injuries, fireworks or
Unknown Speaker 31:45
or not.
Speaker 1 31:47
Just then the phone rang, forgetting about the burn and figuring one of her family members was calling to wish her happy new year, she answered, hello. She heard laughing in the background, but nobody replied. Hello. She asked again a little louder, is Joseph there?
Unknown Speaker 32:10
Oh, wait, sorry, it was a woman's voice.
Speaker 1 32:15
Is Joseph there? It was a woman's voice. Lydia could still hear laughing in the background, I'm sorry there's no Joseph here. You must have the wrong number. Then the person on the other end hung up. Lydia took the phone from her ear and made a flabbergasted facial expression that was rude, she said, and placed the phone back on the receiver. As she made her way back into the living room, she heard laughing coming from the front of the house, immediately reminded of the phone call she just received, Lydia froze to listen more laughing and getting louder.
Unknown Speaker 32:53
She made her way.
Speaker 1 32:56
She made her way to her front window and peeked outside. To her relief, a group of teenagers were walking up the sidewalk, sparklers in hand, laughing at the storm. The boys teasing the girls. The girls giggling their heads off the street lamps made their shadows bouncy and elongated, reminding Lydia of the shadow she used to see when the power would go out and her family had to rely on candlelight. One of the girls pushed one of the boys gently, knocking him off the sidewalk and onto the street. You're gonna get it now. He shouted, and the girl tried to hide behind one of her friends. Lydia let go of a breath she was holding and closed the curtain. She did not miss being a teacher, although a small part of her felt nostalgic at the thought of interacting with the opposite sex. There was nothing like those first time butterflies, casual glances and playful teasing. Smiling to herself, she returned to the couch, sipped her tea and began reading her book again. About an hour passed by before the phone rang again, thinking for sure it would be one of her relatives. This time, she got up and answered. Hello again. Nobody answered, but she could hear what sounded like a party in the background. She could hear glasses clinking together, music playing in the distance, loud conversation and the occasional noise maker going off.
Unknown Speaker 34:18
Hello, she asked again, louder still,
Speaker 1 34:22
then she heard what sounded like someone shuffling the phone about, and the nothing the dial tone was the only thing she could hear now, so she hung up again. What the hell she asked to herself? Aside from the first call she received, Lydia figured someone had accidentally butt dialed her, letting it go, she returned to the couch as midnight approached, Lydia grew increasingly tired, but was determined to stay awake. As she read sentence after sentence, her eyelids felt like they were filling with sand, and she could catch herself closing them for a few seconds. She looked at the clock. It was 1145,
Unknown Speaker 34:59
15 more minutes. And then I'll finally turn in,
Speaker 1 35:03
she said, closing her book and searching for the television remote. Lydia figured the TV would be the perfect distraction as she waited for midnight, then the phone rang again, dun, dun, dun. Lydia contemplated answering. It wasn't unusual for her to get any calls period, let alone three in a few hours, wrong numbers or not, curiosity got the best of her. However, she walked over to the receiver. Hello. She asked in that irritated voice, a loud noise maker blasted in Lydia's ear. I'd be pissed off.
Unknown Speaker 35:40
I would be really pissed. Yeah,
Speaker 1 35:43
she moved the phone away from her head as quickly as she would have if, if she touched a hot stove, a man's voice appeared, and she and he spoke no louder than the angry whisper. Happy New Year, Joseph, never thought I would
Unknown Speaker 36:01
you. Never thought I'd do it, but I will.
Unknown Speaker 36:05
The man laughed and breathed in deeply.
Unknown Speaker 36:10
Do you like when things burn? Oh, sorry, what
Unknown Speaker 36:14
I just did, a weird breathing noise. Oh.
Speaker 1 36:20
Do you like when things burn, Joseph, they'll try to stop me, but I'll do it. It will be beautiful at this point. It makes me think of, do you remember that a video from a long time ago where the guy, it's like a video someone found of like a, I guess, a pyro maniac person, or call it, and it's just like the house is on fire, and they're just like, look at it.
Unknown Speaker 36:52
Isn't it beautiful?
Unknown Speaker 36:54
And it's really creepy.
Unknown Speaker 36:57
I might have to find that.
Speaker 1 36:59
Yeah, it's good. I think it was also on unsolved mysteries as well. Lydia's brow furrowed, not knowing how to respond, she said, Who is this? There is no Joseph here. The man on the other end kept his tone to a whisper and said, Only one more thing before hanging up, you'll burn too. A woman laughed in the background, and then silent Lydia slammed the phone down on the receiver. A chill ran up her spine, and she looked at the clock. It was almost midnight, and she couldn't focus on the new years when she was shaken to the core. I'm so shaken, guys, and I love that, because if you ever watch any, um, like paranormal videos on YouTube, they're like and what they saw next would shake them to their core, um, without really knowing what to do next, Lydia decided to check all the doors to make sure they were locked and all the blinds to make sure they were closed. Her anxiety rose every time a new firecracker went off in the distance, and she kept having to tell herself It was nothing but kids horsing around and enjoying the holiday. When 1159 rolled around, Lydia crept back onto the couch and huddled underneath the blanket. She braced herself for the impending firecrackers, and when the clock struck 12, she closed her eyes. Oh yeah, I forgot the the first time I read through this, I was like, Wait, is this from the perspective of a dog? But it's not. It's not several firecrackers and fireworks erupted in the distance, sounding like a mixture of gunfire and explosion. She jumped at everyone, holding her breath between every pop and snap, closing her eyes and counting the minutes when they would all be over. The main hoopla.
Unknown Speaker 38:56
Love the word hoopla. No, it's so good it's not used
Speaker 1 39:02
the main hoopla subsided around 1230 although she was is totally so that's reasonable, okay, okay, okay, I was totally reasonable. Okay, I'm gonna give you till one Okay, that's fair, yeah. Okay, maybe,
Speaker 2 39:15
maybe 130 if I'm super generous. But like the line that 130 for sure. But like, two, three, anything after that. I'm like, I hope you fucking blow your hand off. That's enough.
Speaker 1 39:28
Yeah, you're just being a dick after that. Yeah, drunken, a drunken fool.
Unknown Speaker 39:33
Yes, kiss your own hand, bitch.
Unknown Speaker 39:39
Oh, which reminds me just being
Speaker 1 39:42
drunk and stupid and fireworks. I had dated this guy, I think it was, like, just after high school, and it was, I think, Fourth of July, but he had, like, a firework that was like, you know, in those tubes, and I guess it's like Roman candles or whatever. I just, like, hold them and shoot them off. Well lit. His didn't work, but he looks down the fucking tube, and I fucking grabbed it from him. I was like, You are not fucking like you're not lightning anymore, fireworks tonight. That was incredibly stupid. What the fuck I bet
Speaker 2 40:19
he was like, I'm fine, man. Like, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just chucking in the tube.
Unknown Speaker 40:24
Like, yeah, he was
Speaker 1 40:26
shot more fireworks. But I was like, Yeah, okay, whatever. Like, I tried, yeah, I tried. If you get fucking hurt, your
Unknown Speaker 40:33
own fault. God, that was so stupid.
Unknown Speaker 40:38
Let's see where were we at.
Unknown Speaker 40:44
Oh, yeah, the hoopla was subsiding,
Speaker 1 40:49
although she was still shaking up from the prank phone call. If that's all what it even was, she decided she would turn off her ringer and go to sleep. Her heart had had enough action for the night, and she was can't. She didn't even leave the house. Well, I guess she had the phone calls. So
Unknown Speaker 41:13
that takes a lot. Sometimes
Speaker 1 41:16
it does, even if you you know you're just ordering a pizza, my heart,
Unknown Speaker 41:24
the pizza will cure it, pepperoni.
Speaker 1 41:32
Her heart had had enough action for the night, and she wanted to and all she wanted to do was close her eyes and drift off into the land of nothingness for a few hours, as her hand went for the ringer off button on her phone, it rang once again, hesitant to pick it up, yet too curious to leave it ringing, she answered the phone for a fourth time.
Unknown Speaker 41:53
Yes, she asked in a whisper.
Speaker 1 41:56
It was the same man as before, whispering violently, are you ready? Joseph, you could I could feel the heat already. It's moving through my things and warming the soul that will be soon. Oh, that will soon be damned. Oh, Joseph, the time is now, then what sounded like a loud air horn went off into the phone again. That would piss me off. Yeah, and Lydia dropped the phone to the ground. She could still hear it going off when she picked it up again and slammed it into the receiver, turning off the ringer. She ran into the back bedroom, shut the door, and jumped into her bed. She could hear firecrackers in the distance, but eventually her heart slowed and she was able to lie down. She wasn't able to fall asleep until around 2am but she did eventually drift off into the land of nothingness. I'm here, Joseph, it's happening. Lydia's eyes fluttered open to the sound of a man talking.
Unknown Speaker 43:00
I'm here, Joseph, it's happening.
Speaker 1 43:05
Lydia's eyes fluttered open to the sound of a man talking in the smell of smoke. Startled awake. She found she was lying on her bathroom floor and the door closed. She was unable to process how she got there, because the panic took over her body.
Unknown Speaker 43:21
It's going to it's
Unknown Speaker 43:22
going to be beautiful, and you won't be able to stop me.
Speaker 1 43:26
A woman, a woman giggled, and then Lydia heard what sounded like scratching on the door. She suddenly felt like she was being pressed to death, unable to get up or do anything, because the fear she felt was so strong
Unknown Speaker 43:43
press to this sounds terrifying.
Speaker 1 43:48
After a few seconds, she recognized the voices as the ones she heard on the phone earlier, Lydia heard a loud bang, as if something large had been dropped outside the door, and she jumped, tears beginning to dream down her face, too scared to do anything, she put her hand on to her mouth and waited to see if anything else would happen. All the while, the smell of smoke getting stronger, Lydia felt her stomach drop. I feel like that's when you would start getting excited.
Unknown Speaker 44:18
Like, oh, they're at smoke.
Unknown Speaker 44:23
That is when I would get excited.
Unknown Speaker 44:26
He like blow it in my face.
Speaker 2 44:29
Come on, it's okay. I'll find we can find Joseph together. He just smoke
Unknown Speaker 44:33
on my face. This is what Joseph wanted. He told me,
Speaker 1 44:40
we're scratching up and down her door, and then the man whispering again, it's gonna burn. It's gonna burn. Whoever was on the other side of the door suddenly ran out of the room, so Lydia jumped up and tried the door jammed. Something was blocking it from the outside, just as she expected. Lydia pressed her ear against the door and. Listened from the distance, she heard the man and the woman laughing.
Unknown Speaker 45:05
It's getting hot. The
Speaker 1 45:07
flames are spreading. The man screamed, putting two and two together. Lydia figured the people in her home were going to burn the house down.
Unknown Speaker 45:17
Really? Whoa.
Unknown Speaker 45:20
You just now fucking figured this out.
Unknown Speaker 45:24
What they're trying to burn my house down.
Unknown Speaker 45:28
What? How did I miss that?
Speaker 1 45:33
Um, looking up at the only other way out her heart sank. There was no way she would be able to fit through the tiny bathroom window Let me out, Lydia scream,
Speaker 1 45:52
hoping against hope, someone would open the door. The only response she heard was more laughter in the distance, she heard glass break. Lydia. Tried the knob again and found that it was becoming warm.
Speaker 2 46:07
I was gonna say, don't touch that knob, bitch. Burn your hand and hand skin off. You gotta touch it with the back of your hand
Unknown Speaker 46:13
first. Yes.
Speaker 2 46:16
Public School in Mississippi got fire safety. So did we got that in Texas too? Yes. We might not have learned about reproduction, but we learned about the back of the hands. Yeah, but by God, and I'm not gonna touch a burning door now.
Unknown Speaker 46:33
Important life lessons.
Speaker 1 46:38
Whoever you are, please let me out. I'll give you anything you want. Please, just let me out of here. Silence. Sorry. That reminded me of whenever I was just like silence.
Unknown Speaker 46:52
Silence is that how you ask?
Speaker 2 46:58
If you ever someone to not talk, just say silence. Don't even look at
Speaker 1 47:07
him. She pressed her face against the door and felt a slight heat. She turned the doorknob was hot. You know this, you'll never learn. She turned and faced the mirror, almost not recognizing herself, because the terror in her face made her look completely different. I'm going to die. She thought, What a great way to start off the new year.
Unknown Speaker 47:32
Dead sucks. I don't
Unknown Speaker 47:35
want to start the year dead,
Unknown Speaker 47:37
then I'll be dead.
Speaker 1 47:42
Lydia leaped to her feet and grabbed the toilet tank lid. She's gonna break it. She was gonna break it. This is the perfect tie in holy
Unknown Speaker 47:53
This is amazing. Maybe this
Unknown Speaker 47:54
is what happened with your phone.
Speaker 1 47:57
Was trying to burn her house down with her in it, and then she figured it out,
Unknown Speaker 48:03
yeah, oh, man, this is so perfect.
Speaker 1 48:09
Without thinking of anything else, she started hitting against the doorknob, hoping she could somehow break the door open. Smoke started coming through under the door, and Lydia started pounding faster. With every hit, Lydia let out a desperate cry. After a few minutes, Lydia thought she wasn't going to be able to do it, but with one final smack, the doorknob fell to the ground. Lydia pushed the door open with all her strength, but it was futile. Whatever those people pushed in front of the door, it was not going anywhere. In a fit of rage, Lydia slammed the palms of both her hands into the door over and over, screaming until she started coughing. The smoke and heat coming into the bathroom was beginning to become too much. With resignation, Lydia sank to the floor. Her eyes began to sting, and it was getting too hard to breathe. She was becoming lightheaded. She looked over the small bathroom window and thought I could have at least opened it and screamed for help. She closed her eyes, hindsight, right? Yeah, like I can't fit through there. Why not even try to open.
Unknown Speaker 49:20
It just has to stay closed.
Speaker 1 49:24
Even if I knew I wouldn't be able to fit through there, I feel like I was still try if I was like,
Speaker 2 49:29
Yeah, because maybe there's assholes doing fireworks super late and they'll hear you,
Unknown Speaker 49:34
yeah, a bunch of little fucking asshole kids.
Speaker 1 49:39
She closed her eyes, heat enveloping her body, her final thought before passing out was, who the fuck was Joseph? I hope he had a better New Year's than I did.
Unknown Speaker 49:55
Passive aggressive as you're dying, I.
Unknown Speaker 50:00
It took eight minutes for the
Speaker 1 50:01
fire department to respond, but by then it was too late. Oh no, the end.
Speaker 1 50:15
I need answers. She's just dead. I don't know who Joseph is. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe they, I guess, thought that it was Joseph's house and it wasn't, and or maybe they were ghosts that killed a Joseph that lived there before in a similar manner.
Speaker 2 50:38
Who knows? You know what I was what I was thinking, is maybe it's like an evil Dale Gribble
Unknown Speaker 50:45
as he smokes. So maybe he
Speaker 1 50:51
causes house fires with the cigarettes. Just imagine him just like lurking in the back the background, like it's dark and you just see like a like red Ember light of yeah,
Unknown Speaker 51:03
that's my theory. I like that theory the most
Speaker 1 51:09
was, like, girls, was the Lydia so Lydia died, but hopefully Joseph had a good new year.
Unknown Speaker 51:19
Can't believe I'm starting at the New Year, fucking dead.
Speaker 1 51:23
So lame. How embarrassing.
Speaker 2 51:27
It does seem efficient, though, if you're gonna die, just die at the beginning of the year.
Unknown Speaker 51:32
Yeah, yeah, it does.
Speaker 2 51:35
I feel about my birthday. I was talking to Corey about this too, because he has a January birthday. I'm like, yeah. I mean, it's beginning of the year. You get your birthday out of the way, and then you do the rest of the year, and then
Speaker 1 51:52
you die. No, yeah, that is kind of nice, yeah? Mine. I think I feel like having one in like June is also nice because it's just like, boom, right the middle of the year. There's not really a little break holidays. Yeah, birthday break. So, yeah, I guess,
Unknown Speaker 52:14
yeah, December birthdays probably suck.
Speaker 2 52:17
Yeah, January, it does kind of suck, in a way, because everybody's like, I just spent a bunch of money for Christmas. So socializing a lot, I don't want to come to your shit. Oh, yeah, that sucks. Yeah. And summer, I can't really complain, because yeah, December would be first, I'm sure, yeah, yeah. And then summers, everyone's like, I want to go do something.
Speaker 1 52:41
Um, so this creepy pasta got a rating of 5.26 out of 10.
Unknown Speaker 52:49
Oh, the Lydia one or the one you're about to read,
Speaker 1 52:52
the Lydia one. Oh, and I don't think I said the rating of the last one, it was 6.33 out of 10.
Unknown Speaker 53:01
I agree with that? Yes, I yeah, I agree too.
Unknown Speaker 53:07
Um, I feel
Unknown Speaker 53:10
it's just, I don't know,
Speaker 1 53:12
I like stories that don't end with, like, happy endings. But it's just funny that she's like, died at the end.
Unknown Speaker 53:21
She has this, had a good new year. At least
Unknown Speaker 53:28
some birds are gonna be dead in there. Got
Speaker 1 53:35
it. And so the next creepypasta I have. This one is from the creepypasta subreddit
Unknown Speaker 53:45
hosted by James underscore Azalea,
Speaker 1 53:50
10 years ago. So this one's probably when creepypastas were on the up and up.
Unknown Speaker 53:59
So this one's called New year, new you.
Unknown Speaker 54:07
The young girl looked down at her phone, 12:32am
Unknown Speaker 54:11
January 1, 2016
Unknown Speaker 54:14
new year, new me. She chuckled,
Speaker 2 54:17
your your firework cut offs coming soon. Yet together,
Unknown Speaker 54:21
it's, it's, you know, it's actually,
Unknown Speaker 54:25
I say, I already kind of passed the time, but it's,
Unknown Speaker 54:28
I guess, 1pm is fair.
Speaker 1 54:32
Suddenly she froze. Something didn't feel right. Something felt like a jolt of electricity racing through her nervous system, or the impressive lick of a naked flame singing the nerve ending.
Unknown Speaker 54:45
And then Joseph is that you with the flame?
Unknown Speaker 54:50
Joseph Bell Got a cigarette,
Speaker 1 54:56
and then, without warning, she violently arched her. Back with an agonized Yelp. Her joints locking up in an unnatural position. She could not move, but she could feel everything. A tiny hairline splits along the back of her arms, legs, even from the base of her spine to the top of her skull. She could feel the tears widening, yawning like some jagged mouth for what felt like eons, she stood fully aware of the violent metamorphosis she was undertaking, then with little ceremony other than a pitiful whimper, the entirety of her flesh and
Unknown Speaker 55:42
muscular musculature
Unknown Speaker 55:45
clawed off her bone,
Speaker 1 55:48
ungraciously, splattering all over the linoleum floor as she resigned control of her movements and stared down at her skeletal hands, still stained with the Ichor of her shed form she attempted to weep no tears formed on the corners of her hollow sockets where her eyes once nested and her harsh sobs sounded like stones being rubbed together. She what
Speaker 2 56:22
I said to make a noise, I didn't know what was going
Speaker 1 56:29
to come out. She wept for the cruelest twist of her earlier just it was indeed a new year and a new her. She wept for the callousness of a God who would force this change upon her. She wanted to change, but not like this. The end. Thank you. James Azalea, from 10 years ago, if you're still alive, assumption that he may be dead. I mean, it's 10 years for some reason I just assume, like
Unknown Speaker 57:07
everyone that uses Reddit is old.
Speaker 1 57:11
So I'm just like, This person was old when they posted this, and that was 10 years ago, but I don't know I was. I mean, I know that's not the case for Reddit, for sure, but I'm always like, right? It's like, the mature social media. It's not, it's not like, sense, just, I guess where you're coming from, yeah, it's like, it's not like, oh, all this other shit going on, like Facebook and everything. It's like, just forums. So I guess that's what it just feels old school like for fun. Yeah, those were my my creepy posters.
Speaker 2 57:51
So try not to start your new year out like that. Anybody think all those would be bad scenarios?
Speaker 1 57:59
Yeah? At least the skeleton person in this last one isn't dead like Lydia, because Nothing's worse than starting off the new year dead.
Unknown Speaker 58:13
So cringe to die. Oh. I
Speaker 1 58:16
mean, who dies anyway? Imagine dying. I it.
Unknown Speaker 58:25
I bet it's awesome.
Unknown Speaker 58:30
I feel like you're gonna, like, go out how like
Speaker 1 58:36
and fucking like Heather's when he, like, smokes the cigarette and blows himself
Unknown Speaker 58:40
up. Oh, yeah,
Speaker 2 58:44
I do hope it's in a cool way, but I feel like it'll be I'll have some really embarrassing accident and die that way. But I think I've talked about that before. Everyone feel free to laugh. You know, just how it is sometimes. Yeah, I'm sure I'll shit my pants after I die. So I don't
Speaker 1 59:04
know why that's something I think about. No, they're gonna, they're gonna see my potty. But um, Jamie's party, I potty in my pants. Sorry, I died. I potted my
Speaker 1 59:27
Oh, my God. Oh, god man, sorry. I think I'm getting tired. And my ADHD brains, my ADHD brains jumping a loafer like Nathan for you when it's like,
Speaker 2 59:45
that's how I thought you mentioned. Oh, okay, yeah, if you haven't seen it fat heads, it's like this fake business proposal, and it's how to tell kids. That their pets have died, and it's like, this dog, and they kind of make it like a shitty like South Park Terrence and Phillip with its picture, and put a voice with it. And it's like, I'm so sorry I died. And they show it to a little boy, and he's like, that's not how Tiger sounded. He's like, Yeah, buddy, I know.
Unknown Speaker 1:00:23
Oh God, that would scar me. Yeah.
Speaker 2 1:00:28
That is how I find out that most celebrities have died, though. Is from the Nathan for you group. Somebody will make a meme. They'll just like, put the celebrity's face on that dog. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 1:00:40
And I see that a lot of times in the comments too. People like this is how I find out people die. I
Unknown Speaker 1:00:51
can't wait for for someone to do that. For for me, I
Speaker 2 1:00:57
thought you're gonna say for a certain person. I'm like, Yeah, well, you know,
Speaker 1 1:01:05
but yeah, fatheads, you know, enjoy a Velveeta cocktail. Maybe, yes, yes. Have one of those. Have a cigarette, but don't burn your house down or let your skin fall off. And if someone be careful with those toilet lids, yeah, yeah. And if someone's trying to burn your house down and you can't get to a toilet lid, you know, just try the window, even if you don't think you can fit through it, you know, you can open it. You can scream. You can let the smoke out, at least, like, I don't know, yeah, she didn't try very hard, but no, she just kind of accepted it. Well, maybe that's some part, maybe that's some maybe that's like an under story that we didn't pick up on.
Unknown Speaker 1:01:59
Maybe so just like I'm so depressed, I just want
Speaker 1 1:02:05
to die, let me in a bathroom fire. Oh, wait no, because she was upset about dying.
Unknown Speaker 1:02:14
What a way to start the near can't
Unknown Speaker 1:02:19
believe it. But cool. Yeah, fat heads, though. Follow us where you listen to podcasts, on Instagram. Send us your stories, nervous laughter podcast@gmail.com
Unknown Speaker 1:02:33
or just on Instagram messaging,
Speaker 1 1:02:38
yeah and Happy New Year, and don't forget to party on, party on safely without death